Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Dear Dorothy. My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It's so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot pool with his buddies and has sex with hookers, while I work so hard to pay our bills. Since our daughter went away to college and then got married; he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Confused Dear Confused: Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

[tommy.irene]

I found an iPhone on the bus today, so called the number in the contacts that said 'Home'. "Hello!" I said when they answered. "I've found your phone on the bus." "Oh, that's fantastic," the woman sighed with relief. "I know it is" I replied, "How do I work the camera?"

[tommy.irene]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son... "Go get your Mother."

[tommy.irene]

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small, deserted island one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands pulled out the message. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."

[tommy.irene]

A guy stands over his tee shot for what seems an eternity: looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What's taking so long? Hit the damn ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man," says his partner. "You'll never hit her from here."

[tommy.irene]

A frustrated father told a work colleague: “When I was a youngster, I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But in my son’s room, he has his own color TV, computer, games console, cell phone and CD player.” “So what do you do?” The father replied: “I send him to my room!”

[tommy.irene]

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is the bit where me and the milkman usually fall off!"

[tommy.irene]

Stand-Up Comedian: "You should have seen my show last night. It was standing room only." Stand-Up Comedian's Friend: "Oh yeah? You were that good?" Stand-Up Comedian: "That, and the fact that some thieves stole all the chairs out of the club the night before." 

[tommy.irene]

In a psychiatrist's waiting room two patients are having a conversation. One says to the other, "Why are you here?" The second answers, "I'm Napoleon, so the doctor told me to come here." The first is curious and asks, "How do you know that you're Napoleon?" The second responds, "God told me I was." At this point, a patient on the other side of the room shouts, "NO I DIDN'T!"

[tommy.irene]

A 12 year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down. I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car, said the male driver. "No way, get stuffed", replied the boy. How about a bag of lollies and $10 asked the driver? "No way" , replied the irritated youngster. "What about a bag of lollies and FIFTY dollars, eh"? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy. "No, I'n not getting in the car!" answered the boy. "OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered. "NO," screamed the boy. What will it take to get you into the car"? asked the driver sighing. The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you brought a Jeep - you live with it!"