Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A man parks his bicycle nearby the Parliament house and walks on. A police constable stops him and asks, "Why did you park your bicycle here? Don't you know it is a VIP road and all parliamentarians and senators pass from here?" Man replied, "Don't you worry about it, I locked my bicycle!"

[tommy.irene]

The police knocked on my door this evening. "Where were you around 8:05 last night sir?" asked the officer. "Funny you should ask," I replied. "I took the wife upstairs at 8 pm to make love." "That's true," my wife shouted over, "but who knows where he was at five past."

[tommy.irene]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons.

[tommy.irene]

.An old man was asleep in his chair one afternoon when he was awoken by the sound of the doorbell. He shuffled to the door and when he opened it, he saw a beautiful young woman standing there. -“Oh dear!” she said. “I’m at the wrong house.” -“Sweetheart, you’re at the right house,” the old guy assured her, “but you’re about 40 years too late!”

[tommy.irene]

A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison. He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!” “The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!” “Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

[tommy.irene]

A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison. He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!” “The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!” “Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

[tommy.irene]

A Scouser inadvertently goes into a gay bar for a beer. He sits at the bar supping his pint when one gay gentleman decides to chance his luck. He approaches the Scouser and whispers something into his ear, whereupon the Liverpudlian turns around in complete disgust and horror and proceeds to punch the living **bleep** out of the homosexual, fist after fist punching him out the door, kicking him across the pub car park, relentlessly punching and kicking until the victim lay comatose. The Scouser then dusts himself off and calmly returns to his pint at the bar, whilst the horrified staff and clientele stood silent and motionless. Eventually, the barman plucks up the courage to ask what had happened: Barman: "Bloody hell mate, what on earth did he say to you?" Scouser: "I don`t know exactly, but something about a job".

[tommy.irene]

A young couple is sleeping. Suddenly the wife wakes up and screams. Her husband also wakes up and almost jumps out from the bed because of the loud scream. He quickly realizes that it was just his wife. -“Why the hell are you screaming,” he says very quietly as if he is whispering and also in pain. The wife takes a deep breath but is still winded. “I had a nightmare. I fell off a cliff but I grabbed a little twig and escaped from death.” -“You’re safe now honey,” he says in the same painful whispering voice. -“You can let go of that little twig now.”

[tommy.irene]

. You will not believe what just happened .. I was pulling into the gas station near the house.. When I walked up I noticed these two police officers looking at a woman who was smoking while fueling up , I saw her & was like .. hmm what an idiot , with the police right there too ! So I went in & got my soda & as I was checking out I hear someone screaming. I look out side & that woman's arm was on fire ! She was tossing & waving her arm around & just going crazy ! I ran outside & the officers had put her on the ground & were putting the fire out with an extinguisher. When I walked out the officers put hand cuffs on her & were about to put her in the police car. So I was thinking what in the world , so being the concerned citizen that I am I asked the officers what they were arresting her for .. figuring that catching her arm ablaze would be punishment enough & he looked me dead in my eye & said .. ' waving a firearm' .

[tommy.irene]

A woman went to a sweet store to buy some sweets. The boy behind the counter said, -“Gosh, you’re ugly aren’t you?, I’ve never seen anyone so hideous as you before.” -“Young man” she replied. ” I didn’t come here to be insulted!” -“Really”, he said, “Where do you usually go ?”