Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

The Chief of Staff remarked to the Director of Nursing that there seemed to be an awful lot of expectant Nurses in their hospital. As they were walking down the hall, he was becoming concerned about a possible staff shortage and inquired of the Director when each pregnant Nurse they passed was due. Each time the Director would respond, "Some time in late September." Coming upon the 5th expectant Nurse, he asked yet again. The Director responded, "I have no idea Sir. She wasn't at the Christmas Party."

[tommy.irene]

A guy complains to his doctor that his sex life is deteriorating rapidly. The doctor tells him he needs to reintroduce excitement, guilt and so on into the process. He ponders this for a few days and hatches a plan. "Well," he says to the doctor "A week ago, I did everything you suggested. The boss let me leave work an hour early. I sped home and I skidded all the way up the driveway. I slammed open the door, charged into the house and found Sheila in the living room. I stripped her naked and we went to it on the coffee table." "And did you enjoy it?" asked the doctor enthusiastically. "Well," says the guy slowly and thoughtfully, "somewhat, but the Bible group was kind of surprised

[tommy.irene]

Can someone give me advice? Sorry for the bad english onwards, but I think I really need one as of now. Lately, I noticed that my girlfriend had lots of calls on her phone, and when I ask who is it, she always hangs it up quickly and she said it's one of her friends/business contacts. I also noticed that recently, she goes home in our rented apartment late, and when I ask why was she late, she always tell me that she went overtime because of her team building meet, although when I checked her slip, she had no overtime fee and I was a bit suprised since as far as I know, they didn't had any team building meets since 3 months ago. So, I went to her boss and asked about this, but her boss said that they only did team building meets only one time with her co-office mates a long time ago (which confirms that I was right), and as an extra, she's been absent on that meet, and her boss told me that she's been absent in her work a couple of days as well. The next day, she went out and told me she'll be attending her "urgent team building meet", so, keeping a distance, I followed her with my motorbike, and not far away from our place, a man fetched her on his car. I stopped my motorbike from a distance to make sure they won't hear me and observed them, and when they were going to drive out, I was about to follow then but when I start the engine, it died on me. So I want to ask for advice, where would the problem be? Is it the spark plug that caused the starting to fail, or is it on the main engine? The clutch, perhaps? I am literally stuck and it's really bugging me. Please give me a good advice.

[tommy.irene]

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, “Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants in France.” The new man asked, “What happened?” -“One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!”

[tommy.irene]

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn’t stop sucking his thumb, he’d get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, “Ah, ha! I know what you’ve been doing!”

[tommy.irene]

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. -“It will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make three or four low level passes.” -“Why?” asked the pilot. -“Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!” said the photographer with great exasperation. After a long pause the pilot said, “You mean you’re not the instructor?”

[tommy.irene]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "but what's so exciting about a period?" "Damn if I know", said Johnny, "but, this morning, my sister said she missed one. Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself!"

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant." Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?." Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

[tommy.irene]

Essex Hurricane Appeal A major hurricane (Hurricane ‘Shazza’) and an earthquake measuring 5.8 on the Richter Scale hit Essex in the early hours of Tuesday with its epicentre in Basildon . Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell". The hurricane decimated the area causing almost £30 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa... Del Sol were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Basildon. One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Jade-Storm slept through it all. I was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Jeremy Kyle the next morning." Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried on as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Special Brew to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Ratners and Bone China from the Pound shop. HOW CAN YOU HELP? This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers) Shell suits (female) White stilettos White sport socks Rockport boots Any other items usually sold in Primark. Food parcels may be harder to come by but are needed all the same. Required foodstuffs include: Microwave meals Tins of baked beans KFC Ice cream Cans of Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms £2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of nine £5 buys **bleep**s and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected. **BREAKING NEWS** Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry alco-pop and were worried she had been badly cut... "Where are you bleeding from?" they asked, "Romford" said the girl, "woss that gotta do wiv you?" Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex - oh, sod it, they won't be able to read it, anyway.