Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[imastawka]

Careful, Tommy.    Walking on thin ice with that one^^^..........

  

[tommy.irene]

A ghost walks into a bar at midnight, and asks the bartender for a Whisky. The bartender says " Sorry we don't serve spirits after 11"

[tommy.irene]

Two man playing golf were held up by two women playing in front of them. One man said: "I'll walk up to them and tell them to hurry up." When he returned he said: "I have a problem, one of the women is my wife and the other one is my mistress." The second man said: "I'll walk up to them and hurry them up." He came back and said: " We both have the same problem.

[tommy.irene]

A fireman was at the station when he noticed a little girl next door. She was in a little red wagon with little ladder hanging off the sides. She was wearing a fireman's hat and had a dog tied to the wagon. He yelled, "Hey little girl, what are you doing?" She said, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my firetruck." The fireman walked closer and said, "That sure is a nice firetruck." She said, "Thanks Mister." The fireman move a bit closer to get a better look and he noticed that the little girl had tied the dog to the wagon by it's scrotum. The fireman said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your firetruck, but if you were to tie the rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." The little girl replied, "You're probably right Mister. But then, I wouldn't have a siren."

[tommy.irene]

A man walked into a Melbourne bar and ordered a pint of the dark liquid. 'Excuse me,' said the only other drinker. 'Is that an Irish accent I detect?' 'It is, sir. Dublin to be exact.' 'Bless my soul,' said the first. 'I'm a Dublin man meself. Ballymun to be precise.' 'Bedad, aren't I from Ballymun meself - Carberry Street in actual fact,' remarked the second. 'Carberry Street is where I was born and raised meself, and St Joseph's was me parish church, Father Dunne the parish priest.' 'Didn't I go to nine o'clock mass every Sunday at St Joseph's. What an amazingly small world. Did you go to St Joseph's School?' 'I did. I was in Miss Slattery's class.' 'God in heaven. So was I.' Just then the phone rang and the Aussie barman said, 'Nah, not too busy boss at the moment. In fact there's just me and the Murphy twins in here **bleep** again.'

[tommy.irene]

Three men stranded on an island. They were walking across the sand when they came across a magic lamp; they rubbed the lamp and out came a genie. The genie said "you have three wishes but make it quick." So they thought about what they were going to wish for. The one man said, "I wish I was at home with my family." so the genie said your wish is my command, and he was gone, then the second man said "I wish I was in the pub with my mates." So he was gone. The last man said, "I am lonely and I want my friends back."

[tommy.irene]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, non-stop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY G-D!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

[tommy.irene]

Harry had a bit of a drinking problem. Every night, after dinner, he took off for the local watering hole, spent the entire evening there and arrived home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and his returned drunken state. But Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife, distraught by it all, talked to a friend about her husband's behavior.The friend listened to her and then asked, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought it was worth trying. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. Around midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard Harry at the door and let him in. This time, instead of berating him as she had always done, she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a while, she said to him, "It's pretty late. I think we had better go upstairs to bed now, don't you?" At that, Harry replied in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble if I go home anyway!"

[tommy.irene]

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and warned she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said,"Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

[tommy.irene]

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked; "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?" The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey." The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again. "Mother?" She sweetly asked again. "Yes?" Her Mother replied. "Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"