Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[not_for_sale2025]

Foster's and VB should not be permitted to stand beside XXXX, the only real Australian beer.

[peteepie]

Now you've started something Tommy.

XXXX was named cause Queenslanders can't spell p i s s

[not_for_sale2025]

Thems fightin words - you too Richo.

At least we had enough sense to name it the same colour as our p i s s. You southern donks were probably too p i s s e d to think of it. 

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny was at school one day and the teacher was teaching Religious Education. "OK" said the teacher. "I've told you a bit about how good people go to Heaven and bad people go to Hell, but if you're a good person and make it into Heaven, then which part of you do you think makes it into Heaven first?"



And with that some of the kids put their hands up. The teacher chooses a kid in the centre of the class and says "OK Lucy, what part of your body goes to Heaven first?"



Your heart, Miss" says Lucy, adding "because you told us Jesus is all about love, and love comes from the heart, so your heart would make it into Heaven first."



"Good answer, Lucy" says the teacher. "Let's have another answer. Christopher - what part of your body do you think gets to Heaven first?"



"Your soul gets to Heaven first, Miss" says Christopher "because when we die the body becomes an empty shell and the soul ascends to Heaven."



"Very good answer, Christopher" says the teacher. "It sounds like you've learned a lot. Let's have another answer."



And with that the teacher spots that Johnny isn't really concentrating, so she decides to catch him out. "OK, Johnny" she says. "And what do you think?"



"What do you mean, what do I think?" retorts Johnny, clearly bored by the entire lesson.



"Well, Johnny, if you had been listening instead of not paying attention you would know what the question was. What part of your body do you think gets to Heaven first if you're a good person and make it into Heaven?"



"Your feet, Miss" replies Johnny.



The teacher looks at Johnny strangely for a second and then replies, "Your feet? Why do you think that your feet get to Heaven first?"



And with that little Johnny replied "Well, Miss, I had to get up to go to the toilet last night but I heard some funny noises coming from Mummy and Daddy's bedroom. Anyway, I peeped round the door to see what the noise was about and Daddy was on top of Mummy and she had her feet right up in the air and was going "Oh God, Oh God, I'm coming!!!"

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical.
A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, you're next!!"

An Irishman wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the **bleep** out of them!!"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"

Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!

Man walks into WH Smith and says "Do you have the new self-help book for men with really small dicks?"
Girl says "I don’t think it’s in yet"
He replies "Yeah, that’s the one!"

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".