Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"
" She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...' "

[tommy.irene]

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
'Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!'
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A
LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I cant work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

[tommy.irene]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering 
The agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma 
Of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself 
From the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way 
Out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the 
Railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. 

With laboured breath, he leaned against the 
Door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's 
Agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for 
There, spread out upon the kitchen table were 
Literally hundreds of his favourite scones. 

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his 
Devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left 
This world a happy man? 

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself 
Towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. 
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the 
Edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife 
With a wooden spoon ......... 
.......... 

......... 

Bugger off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

[tommy.irene]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!

[tommy.irene]

A man walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. He replied, "I got shingles."
She said, "Fill out this form and supply your name, address, medical insurance number. When you're done, please take a seat."
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she took down his height, weight, and complete medical history, then said, "Change into this gown and wait in the examining room."
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "I got shingles."
So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told him to wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles."
The doctor gave him a full-cavity examination, and then said, "I just checked you out thoroughly, and I can't find shingles anywhere. " The man replied, "They're outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"

[tommy.irene]

http://www.wimp.com/intelligentmouse/

[tommy.irene]

This police officer sees an old lady driving and knitting at the same time so after driving next to her for awhile he yells to her,"PULLOVER". She replies,"No a pair of socks".

[tommy.irene]

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender."
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
Unfortunately, most of this part is the Truth.!!!!
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of
chequebook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card
holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake. 
sorry ladies!!!

[tommy.irene]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition 
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting 
nutritional studies. 

1. The Japanese eat very little fat 
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat 
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine 
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine 
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages 
and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 

CONCLUSION 

Eat and drink what you like. 
Speaking English is apparently the problem.

[tommy.irene]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.