Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

An Antartian boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[tommy.irene]

Joined: Mar 2011 Location: Playa del ingles...Gran Canaria.. Posts: 1,387

Re: Jokes: A little light distraction! A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[tommy.irene]

After a long night of making love, 
The guy notices a photo of another man, 
On the woman's table by the bed.
He begins to worry. 
"Is this your husband?" 
He nervously asks.

"No, silly," 
She replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" 
He continues. 
"No, not at all," 
She says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" 
He inquires, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no! Oh....You are SO sexy when you're jealous!"
She teases.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" 
He demands!!!!

She whispers in his ear 
"That's me before the surgery."

[tommy.irene]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare & walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.' Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'
The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Clean my house."

[tommy.irene]

A couple is sitting on the porch sipping wine. The wife says, "I love you."
The husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
The wife replies, "It's me, talking to the wine.

[tommy.irene]

Yorkshire guy is travelling around the Greek Islands.

He walks into a bar and by chance is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. As she takes his order of a pint of Tetley Bitter, she notices his accent.

Over the course of the evening, they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place. Although she is attracted to him, she says no. He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him.

As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees. The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Tetley's and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200.

She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights, on the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner.

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire.

'Leeds' he tells her. 'So am I, what suburb?' She enquires 'Headingley' he replies 'That's amazing' she says excitedly, 'so am I - what street?' 'Boycott Street ' he replies 'That is unbelievable.......' She says, her voice quivering. 'What number?' 'Number 20' he replies She is totally astonished . 'You are not going to believe this she screams, but I'm from number 22, my parents still live there.'

'I know..' he says, 'Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you.'

[tommy.irene]

Three absent minded writers were busy discussing a writing project on the platform, while waiting for the train. The announcement was made, and the train finally arrived. There was complete panic among eagerly waiting passengers as the train made its way to the platform. Passengers rushed inside the train, and the train left. However, one of the writers was not able to catch the train in the confusion.

A passerby who saw all this came up to the writer and told him not to worry and catch the next available train. The writer replied, “I am not worried for myself, but the real problem is that I was the one who was suppose to catch the train, and the two of them who went on the train, actually came to see me off”.

[tommy.irene]

Bloke comes in early from work shouts up the stairs "I'm home"
And hears a clatter from the bed room and his wife's say something so he runs up the stairs and opens the bedroom door there's his wife naked and on the floor 
"what's going on?"
"Well I was getting changed and when I heard you shout and it surprised me so much I think I'm having a heart attack"
This panics him and he runs down the stairs to the phone and while he is phoning 999 his son comes up to him and says 
"Uncle frank is in the wardrobe with no clothes on"
"What?!"
"Uncle frank ran into my wardrobe and he's got nothing on at all dad"
At this the bloke looses his temper slams the phone down and marches upstairs taking them two at a time goes into the kids room and wrenched the wardrobe door off its hinges and there stands his brother completely naked he grabbed him and yanked him out of the wardrobe and shouted at him
"YOU PIG! THE WIFE IS IN THERE HAVING A HEART ATTACK AND YOUR RUNNING ROUND THE HOUSE FRIGHTENING THE KIDS!"

[tommy.irene]

George W Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously he goes to hell, where the Devil is waiting for him. 
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the Devil. 'You're on my list, but I have no room for you.
As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go.
I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you.
I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their
place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.' 
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. 
The Devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water.
He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over.
Such was his fate in hell. 
'No!' said George. 'I don't think so, I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could stay in hot water all day.' 
The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time. 
No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day.' commented George. 
The Devil opened the third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best. 
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while, and finally said 'Yeah, I can handle this.' 
The Devil smiled and said, 'OK, Monica, you're free to go!'

[tommy.irene]

Did you know that every 30 days it is necessary to clean the computer screen from the inside? Many people ignore this fact and do not know how. Manufacturers take advantage of this ignorance to increase their sales. My IT guy shared this and said feel free to share with my contacts this utility. To clean the screen from the inside, just click this link:

http://www.lingdao.fr/outils/nettoyeurecran/cleanscreen.swf