Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man goes into confessional, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned".
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
"I had sexual relations with my girlfriend"
"And how did you sin my son?"
"Well she was stretching up to the top shelf for a tin of baked beans, I was overcome with lust and we sinned"
"That's not too bad". says the priest
"Will I be banned from the church Father?"
The priest smiled and said "No my son, why do you ask ?"
"Well they banned us from Tescos".

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

Happy New Year Everyone..

[tommy.irene]

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23-year-old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."

[tommy.irene]

One day at primary school, the teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, "I'll give 50 cents to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived."

An Irish lad put his hand up and said, "It's Bono!"

The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct."

Then a Scottish boy put up his hand and said, "It's Sean Connery!"

The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Harry, that's not right either."

Finally, a little Jewish girl raised her hand and said, "It was Jesus Christ."

The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Esther. Come up here and I'll give you your 50 cents.

As the teacher was giving Esther her money, she said, "You know Esther, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ."

Esther replied, "I know- in my heart it's Moses, but business is business."

[tommy.irene]

An ex-convict with a violent temper gets a job as a maintainence man in a zoo . While repairing the fish tank a few fish bit his ankles . He smashed them with his hammer in retaliation. He quickly threw them to the lions so he wouldn't get caught . His next job was repairing the chimpanzee cage . The chimps played hell with him until he turned on them with his hammer . Again he threw the dead chimps to the lions . His last job was making a new hive for the bees but they stung him badly . He smashed the bees into a pulp with his hammer and again threw them to the lions .
The next day a new lion arrived at the zoo. He asked the other lions what the food was like . One lion said that it's getting better - yesterday we had fish , chimps and mushy bees !

[tommy.irene]

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. HOWEVER, Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, so she decided not to wait.... and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient! Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car. As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Protestants watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'