warning long post , Trouble with adult son

[hahahavefun]

Sorry in advance for the long post but would dearly love some advice or imput on my situation with my youngest son 29 and his wife.

My DIL hates drugs and so do i as a matter of fact but we have big issues , my daughters boyfriends smokes pot never at home or anywhere on the property so this is problem number one problem number 2 is my DIL overheard an arguement between my daughter and her boyfriend so now my daughters boyfriend is not wellcomed at her place and nor will they come and visit us at our place , never mind the fact that my daughter can give as good as she gets verbally in her relationship .

We were forever going to their place before all this **bleep** started  and staying overnight and they hardly ever come to our place .

My DIL is also very **bleep** off with my daughter for getting pregnant and never spoke to her for months and months mainly due to the fact that my daughter didnt listen to their advice and the fact that one of my DIL friends has been trying for yrs to get pregnant and hasnt been successful so she was **bleep** off with the fact that my daughter being 17 1/2 could and did fall pregnant .

I have had to keep so many secrets from my DIL about things I know otherwise their marrige would be over and my son knows this .

My DIL father also smokes pot this she knows but what she doesnt know is that when he comes for holidays 2 or 3 times a year he has it on him and in the house but smokes it only away from the house and to make matters worse my SON her husband also smokes it .

My DIL reckons she knows a druggo just from looking at them but has never picked it up that her own husband or her own father are off their face in her home and their neighbour also smokes it and has done with my son .

I only recently a few months ago found out my son was smoking this and confronted him about it and saying how wrong it was that my daughters boyfriend is copping all this **bleep** when you and her own father doo exact same thing and im supposed to shut my mouth . He has lied so much to her and he knows his marriage would be over if she found out , he has even admitted to me that he loves her but isnt IN love with her and is affraid he wouldnt get to see the kids if they broke up .

So he goes along with everything my DIL says and expects me to go to his place all the time to see them and my grandkids but them not come here , he makes out im the bad guy here and im so angry with him .

I have tried to talk to him about it and have even said you better sort something out because im sick and tired of us being made to look like the bad guys when your doing exactly what your wife doesnt like and im supposed to sit back and shut my mouth .

He couldnt even tell her he has left work early to take me to a specilist appt because i wasnt allowd to drive home after it and then again to a hopsital appt otherwise she would have gotten **bleep** off that he left work early . She doesnt want him visiting here but he used to at least 4 times a week after work and you could see he was happy here but all this has stopped now and im getting the feeling is he is trying to keep us all apart because he doesnt want his little secrets coming out and making out im the bad guy .

I havent seen my grandkids for months and months now and my daughter is also angry and has said if her boyfriend isnt allowd to see them or the kids they cant see her baby . My daughter knows so much more stuff about her brother then I do that would deffinately be the end of the marriage if she spoke up but I have told her to keep quiet because eventually everything will come out and he will cause the end of his marriage on his own and thats when he will come running back to me for a roof over his head .

I dont have anything to do with my son at the moment and this isnt the first time with this son either , he tries to dictate who I can talk to who I have visit at my place and if he doesnt like someone he expects me not to like them but the biggest reason I wont talk to him at the moment along with all this going on is I rang and told him my mum his grandmother has bladder cancer and while they have taken the tumors out there are a couple of small cells that could very well turn cancerous and due to other health issues her heart and being on dialisis they wont operate so they have to try radiation .

I asked him if he could please take the time to visit with her and take the kids down as she loves all her Grandkids .

My mum has NEVER EVER done anything wrong by either of them my son and DIL and his words to me after i told him all of this is honestly mum I felt nothing when you told me this sorry but thats how it is , when the time comes ill go to pay my respects but thats all .

I feel like disowning him

I dont know what to do with him anymore its like everything has to be about him and his kids and noone else .

What to do ??????

[johcaschro]

                                                 ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[chameleon54]

So many people think dope is a harmless recreational drug and maybe for some people it is.

For others it is highly addictive. Once hooked the addicts need to smoke constantly. The results of marajuana addiction are often pretty grim. Like all drugs it makes the person feel good for a short while, meanwhile it can strip everything from them. They sleep in late and are late for work, cant function properly the day after a big session and end up losing their job. No job, no money. No money and the car gets neglected or the licence does not get renewed. Result, the car ends up parked under a tree for a bird poop collector.

If family members are opposed to the drug use it causes immense friction within the family. This often leads to family break down, with the addict spending most of their time with other addicted peers, where they console each other over a session. In a short time the addict can find they have lost everything and are just lying on a grotty couch, in a grotty slummy house with a whole lot of other addicts.

The hunger for munchies results in binge eating of highly processed foods and periods of little food because it is too hard to get up and go shopping. This results in health problems, premature ageing, anxiety and depression and eventually an early death. Death can come from chronic health problems or suicide associated with mental health problems caused by or exacerbated by regular dope smoking.

Unfortunately for many dope has taken over from alcohol as the recreational drug of choice. Legalise it ? ....... We,ve got enough problems with alcohol and tobacco. We dont need to legalise another drug of dependence. !!!

As for your family problems, at least the dope smokers are going away from your house to smoke. Huge numbers of people smoke it, so it is now the " social norm " for a lot of people. The chances are the dope smokers are not going to change their habit just because you dont like it, so you will need to come to some sort of arrangement if you want to maintain contact with the family. Talk to them and tell them you dont agree with their drug use, but what they do outside of your house is their business. Explain that you dont want them visibly affected by drugs in your house, but you love them and would like to still have them visit ( or continue to live there if that is what is happening now )    Ultimately you will need to compromise.

And at the end of the day, be prepared for some very difficult times ahead.  Faced with the choice between continuing the drug use or breaking contact with the family, the addict will almost certianly choose the drugs over family every time.

[chameleon54]

cont. from last post......

As far as the constant arguments go, perhaps you could write your family a letter. A real one with a pen and nice paper, explaining that you are sad that things are not working out at the moment. Tell them that you will give them some space for awhile, but your door is always open if they ever want to talk. Keep in contact with a few phone calls, birthday visit with cards and pressies for the grandkids etc. It may take a few years ( sometimes a lot of years ) but things can heal over time.

[johcaschro]

The OP's post is a bit difficult to read and understand given the lack of punctuation. I also found it difficult to work out who was being referred to in some parts of it.

What I did notice was this statement:

"My DIL reckons she knows a druggo just from looking at them but has never picked it up that her own husband or her own father are off their face in her home and their neighbour also smokes it and has done with my son ."

So  maybe if the DIL cannot tell from their behaviour or their manner that they are stoned then it's not the pot that is the problem. Maybe it's just they are all members of a totally dysfunctional family and they would have these relationship problems anyway, whether or not the pot smoking was a factor?

[chameleon54]

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@johcaschro wrote:

The OP's post is a bit difficult to read and understand given the lack of punctuation. I also found it difficult to work out who was being referred to in some parts of it.

What I did notice was this statement:

"My DIL reckons she knows a druggo just from looking at them but has never picked it up that her own husband or her own father are off their face in her home and their neighbour also smokes it and has done with my son ."

So  maybe if the DIL cannot tell from their behaviour or their manner that they are stoned then it's not the pot that is the problem. Maybe it's just they are all members of a totally dysfunctional family and they would have these relationship problems anyway, whether or not the pot smoking was a factor?

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You are probably right. I realise many people smoke dope recreationaly with minimal impacts on their lives. But as you may have guessed, I have seen too much of the down side of recreational drug use gone wrong. As a semi proffesional musician in blues bands for two decades I have many friends who are ( or where ) " recreational " pot smokers. When I look at the impacts substance abuse has had in this relatively small group its frightening.

A drummer from a band in my twenties who was also a former employee in my business went from dope to heroin. He ended up in jail from age 35-45, had chronic brain damage, rotten teeth and could hardly string a sentance together by age 50, dead at 55. Two of his brothers, both heavy pot smokers developed schitzophrenia. Both dead by mid fourties, one from suicide. Another friend who was a next door neighbour was a heavy pot smoker. Suffered depression and commited suicide by age 40.

A guitarist in one of the bands I played in was pretty carefull, straight guy. We had a blinder of a show one new years eve. He continued to party with his girlfriend in their room in the early hours of the morning. Dead next day from choking on vomit as a result of alcohol consumption. Age 35

Another guitarist was a regular, daily pot smoker. He couldnt stay straight enough to keep working and lost his lawn mowing business. Sat around the house smoking pot all day and getting the munchies. He is now so morbidly obese that he cant get into a car or leave the house. Age mid fifties.

Another friend and regular pot and tobbaco smoker died two years ago from throat cancer.

My late teenage sons friends like many thier age are regular pot smokers. They have all had several jobs since leaving school and lost them all due mainly to the unreliability and effects associated with pot smoking. All are now unemployed and living in a squat type house, ages around 17-18.

 All of the teenagers experienced major friction in their families as parents ( even a couple of regular dope smoking parents ) tried to tone their teenagers behavior down as the dope wrecked their lives. Several experienced homelessness, with one living in a garden shed, without a door for many months at age 15. Most never completed school, with a hard core group of 3 or 4 bunking off daily to smoke dope under a nearby bridge. The garden shed dweller now has a succesful business going.......... Selling dope to teenagers and school aged kids.

I,m sure some of these people would have problems even if they did not smoke pot, but the trail of devastation the pot use has left is incredible. Dont tell me dope is a harmless recreational drug that should be legalised.

[bright.ton42]

Faced with the choice between continuing the drug use or breaking contact with the family, the addict will almost certianly choose the drugs over family every time.

I'd say this is the bottom line sadly.   Terribly hard for you  to see all this going on and not be able to change things but that is how it has to be i think.   Also terribly hard to have to step right back  but probably the best thing for your own sake.      They are all choosing their dysfunctional lives  whether you like it or not.  

Too much drama with too many people so be there for them if you want, but do try to detach a bit .  In the long run it will be better for you.

[chameleon54]

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@chameleon54 wrote:

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My late teenage sons friends like many thier age are regular pot smokers. They have all had several jobs since leaving school and lost them all due mainly to the unreliability and effects associated with pot smoking. All are now unemployed and living in a squat type house, ages around 17-18.

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Rather an unfortunate editing mistake there that I thought best to correct. While my teenage son is often late, it has nothing to do with an untimely death.....

[springyzone]

I agree, I have heard too many stories about the effects of dope to label it as harmless.

If anyone has any underlying mental problems, expect this drug to make them 10 times worse or kick start them.

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It hurts when you can see family members doing something you just know will end badly or that you know is harming them but I think with drugs, they have to want to change themselves.

That doesn't stop a parent stressing.

All parents can do is assure their kids you're there for them & want to be in their lives, see the grandkids etc

Hard as it is, it is probably best not to interfere or make trouble by telling DIL all unless you really had to. She'll probably find out in her own time, or else she won't but no one will thank you if you do intrude.

[imastawka]

Nothing to add, except the DIL sounds like a right cow,

and the family would be better off without her.