Cat_mioux's new home

[cat_mioux]

:^O

[toon_town_nutter]

Him seeing a solicitor gives him no advantage. All that would come of that is a letter from his solicitor requesting visitation times. You just then get a solicitor to respond that until mediation is completed you either agree to the visiting times or you offer these visiting times. If you're prepared to wear his wrath, indicate he's not to consume consumables belonging to you while he is at your home and he's to behave in a respectable manner and he's not to make use of your electrical appliances.

[kyliecrv]

So I'm booked in for mediation, there is a 6 week (min) wait.

they are sending me a pack in preparation with legal aid info etc, I will speak to someone asap so once the mediation is done it can go straight to court to make it official. Apparently the mediation is a 5step program and takes months!

this afternoon he phoned and asked how things were and is he ok to come visit. I said ok, but he got held up (at the hairdressers!!!!!) and got here after 7:30 and only for half an hour, Sammy was getting tired and clingy and just wanted to cuddle mummy!

im nervous at the thought of him just taking her, he's really not that good with her which is why I accept him in my home. At least all of her things are here and back up/ help for him. He's just always too tired to be on the ball with her. He's told me that he's nearly dozed at the wheel a few times leaving here, besides his work hours he has a medical prob with his nose that requires an op that he also blames for this extreme tiredness.

i don't believe he's keen on even taking her anyway, just likes to threaten me with it, as when he is here I make sure I'm off doing my own thing to give them bonding time and he loses interest fast and seeks me out for conversation and company. He gets really annoyed if I have to go somewhere and leave the house (the 2teens are still here), but it's about me having a life of my own.

He also asked if the 3 of us can go to big park on Saturday so Sammy can ride in trike pushalong trike he bought her. I will prob agree cos I have plans on Sunday and Monday for my sons 14th bday which means he will not be able to visit at all. I'd like the mediators and courts to see me as being fair.

[bryony_girl_baby]

Good news! 

I think you'll find the mediators will find you more than fair. In fact they'll probably think you've been beyond fair. I think they'll wonder how on earth you've not gone mad from this. 

It's hard to trust someone to have your babies. Even when it's their father. Maybe especially when it's their father and you know he's far from the perfect parent. I think the fall asleep at the wheel stuff is to scare you in all honesty. To make you want him there instead. I understand why you prefer it. But you have to see that he prefers it too for different reasons. And they really must stop. 

Ultimately he loves that gorgeous wee girl too. He does not want harm to come to her. And his uselessness is a way for him to have access to you. He'll pull his socks up when he realises it won't work any more. 

Be very honest with mediation about what you want. If you're not ok with overnight visits yet say so. If they believe you're being unreasonable they'll tell you and they'll explain why and they'll help you find a way to figure out how to make it work. They will not force anything on you. They really do work very hard to make arrangements both parties are comfortable with and are in the best interest of the child. 

Me personally I never let my ex in my home. Not once. Not ever. I realise your wee girl is tiny but I don't think you'd be unreasonable to take the same stand with your ex. If he loses interest that quickly anyway then a visit elsewhere like a park or a McDonalds or whatever wouldn't be unreasonable. The problem with having him in your home is then where is your safe place? You deserve somewhere that you can feel safe. 

[soul_art]

Hi all j!

Kylie, I know you've not really liked what I've said in the past but I think you can now see that having mr ex visit Sammy in YOUR home will never work.

You may not like what I'm going to say now either but please think about it.

I believe you don't like not being in control of how things happen, and you know what ??? I don't blame you !!

You lost a husband you loved to a disease that NO ONE could control, not him not the doctors and not you.  Of course that is going to affect you.  I really think seeing a counsellor about this would help you not only with your dealings with mr ex but also with other aspects of your life. 

I hope you take this the right way.

[cat_mioux]

We are behind you Kylie :-x

Don't be afraid.

[cynthecowgirl]

Ok, here's my ten cents worth.

I don't know how youve handled having him come and go in your home for this long. It would have done my head in long ago.

My ex did it at the start too. I hated it. He would just waltz in as if he still belonged here and I'd be left hiding in my room until he went. Different seperation circumstances I now, but in the end, whilst it was technically still óur'house, he had stopped contributing anything to it. No mortgage, no bills, no child support, nothing.

Numerous people told me right from the start to change the locks. I was being the nice guy so I poo pooed their idea and didn't listen. My middle daughter wasn't talking to him and on one occassion she sat on one side of her bedroom door holding it shut whilst he pushed from the other side trying to open it. She was 14 at the time and he was 40, but she kept that door shut! One day I left her at home and went with my other two kids to go to the shops. On our return she told me she wished she'd come because she'd spent the whole time propped aginst her door scared dad would come back and try to talk to her again. That's when I realsied I did need to change the locks and have some sort of fixed visitation orders in place. There was no reason for us to be uncomfortable in our own home and I owed it to myself and my children to give us that peace and a safe place.

Best 300 bucks I ever spent. He still came to the house, but he had to knock and wait to be let but actually the kids started going out to him and he took them elsewhere, which was a lot more bearable.

I know you love your bub Kylie, but when you think about it so does her dad and do you really, honestly think he would do anything to put her in harms way? Is there any reason why he can't take her to his place for a few hours/overnight. Why does he need to involve your kids in the visitations as well? They have no ties to him.

Take charge and take control. Empower yourself and get control back. Yu need to look out for your own best interests from now on so that you can make sure your daughters are being looked after too.

[kyliecrv]

Thanks for all the support. I read all posts with interest and don't mind other points of view, rarely offended.

im getting legal advice in the coming week before the mediation begins. I know this will end up in court as he is just not interested in co-operating with me.

tonight the kids and I were out with friends for dinner and he tried to get here before I left (missed me by 5mins!) and demanded to know when I will be home etc??

I replied it will be a while so not to wait at my house. 

I had 6 missed a calls and 6 texts (the lady one was nasty), and we were not very late out home about 9:30.

i refused to text back and let him ruin my night, and once home I decided to also not respond sad he doesn't need to know my times oa leaving and returning.

he also sent me his visitation schedule which has him over here everyday except 1...... Hmmmm

[kyliecrv]

(The last one was nasty) ......... Damn iPad!!

it was a very very bad day today he had arranged for me to bring Sammy to a park for him to push her the new bike he bought her. With the wet weather ended up being the kids fun play (lollipops).

all day he text saying he was held up at work shouldn't be long etc, I was to wait at home for his text to leave to meet at same time.

it got that late that it was nearing Sammys afternoon nap, so I called but no answer, decided to go for a drive over to the meet place incase his phone battery died (had happened before), passed by his house thinking he may've stopped home for a sleep (also happened), and then I finally sent a text saying that as I havent heard from him for several hours and baby is now asleep he has missed his window of available visit time as I have plans tonight Once she wakes from arvo nap.

he text straight back saying he was getting a MASSAGE and will call back in 5 mins!

OMG!???

obviously an argument, and he didnt see why he couldn't just come tonight? Was a bit annoyed that I had plans and I explained that I was spose to go for lunch, but when he requested a park day with Sammy, I agreed and bumped the lunch to dinner for them to enjoy the day.

he has left flowers and chocs and a toy at my back door, and sent pics on phone saying he was soooo sorry about today and can he Skype Samantha wen I get home?

i said I'm not cutting my night short especially, so will depend on what time I get home, if not that I'd see him at 8:30am!

[kyliecrv]

Grrrrrr.... My middle sister just messages me on fb to let me know that my ex text her tonight asking if I was with her?

thats just nuts! Seriously!??

i don't even want to see him in the morning, how will he be? Sunday morn is Sammys swim lesson and we take turns each week to go in with her , it's his turn tomorrow.

must go to bed now and try to relax 😞

[kyliecrv]

Soul art....... Very interesting. Thanks for that point of view. 🙂