Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[lloydslights]

What a hoot

DEB

[jds_noise]

What is it that a man does standing up, a woman does sitting down, and a dog does on three legs?

Spoiler

That's how they shake hands.

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

Blonde-haired Debbie was wandering through Woolie's one day, when she came upon this shiny object.  Since Debbie is fascinated with shiny objects, she asked of the sales clerk what the object was.

The salesperson explained that it was a Thermos, so Debbie inquired, "What is it for?"

She was told that it was for holding different foods, and that it kept hot foods hot, and cold foods cold.  Debbie was sold, and rushed home with her new purchase.

The next day, Debbie's manager stopped by her desk, and, also being a blonde, was intrigued by this shiny object on the desk.

After the explanation by Debbie that it was a Thermos, and kept hot foods hot and cold foods cold, the manager asked, "What do you have in there?"

Debbie, proud as a peacock, replied, "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle".................

[icyfroth]

Is The Cat There?

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by drving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again, and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen is the cat there?"

"Yes" the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers, "put that son of a **bleep** on the phone, I'm lost and I need directions!"

[kopenhagen5]

For our American friends, hehe. 

A Melbourne taxi driver picks up an American Tourist.

As they drive over the West gate bridge the American comments on how impressive the bridge is and asks,

"How long did it take to build this bridge?"  The taxi driver replies, "Many years"

American responds, "Really?, it would only take us 1 year to build something like this"

As they drive through the city past Parliament house the American again asks,

"Wow what a building, how long did it take to build that?"  Taxi driver replies, "A long time ago, about a year".

American - "We could build that in 6 months"

Further along they drive past the MCG (Melbourne Cricket Ground), and the American tourists asks,

"Man that's big, what it is?"    Taxi driver takes a look and says, "Dunno, wasn't there this morning"

[bright.ton42]

Anselm the monk joined an Abbey where they were not allowed to speak except for a quick visit with the Abbott every 5 years.

5 years passes and Anselm has his visit with the Abbott. "My son " says the Abbott "what do you have to say".

"Too cold"  says Anselm and leaves. 

Another 5 years passes and  it's Anselm's turn to visit the Abbott.  "My son" says the Abbott, "what do you want

to say".

"Food bad"   says Anselm and leaves.

Another 5 years and the Abbott asks Anselm what he has to say.

"Beds hard"   says Anselm and leaves.

Finally after another 5 years Anselm faces the Abbott.

"Want to leave'  he says.

"Fine, go" says the Abbott.  " You've done nothing but freakin complain since you got here." 

[fayekinnitt]

A wealthy man came home from a gambling trip and told his wife that he had lost their entire fortune and that they'd have to drastically alter their life-style.

"If you'll just learn to cook," he said, "we can fire the chef."

"Okay," she said. "And if you learn how to make love, we can fire the gardener."

[village_person]

Blonde, on the train to Sydney, was asked by her friend which was closer; the moon or London. The blonde thought for a moment and said " well hello, can you see London from here".

[village_person]

Bill and his wife Blanche go to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed! "

Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Texan, an Arab, and a Mexican were on a charter flight to the Bahamas, when one of the aircraft engines died.

The pilot called back and told them that the plane was too heavy to stay in the air on 3 engines, so the Englishman went to the door, opened it, and jumped out singing "Rule Britannia".

The aircraft continued on, when another engine seized up, and the pilot repeated his warning.  This time the Frenchman opened the door, shouted "Vive La France" and leaped out.

The aircraft steadied up, and proceeded on its way.  Alas, yet another engine coughed to a halt, and for a third time, the pilot gave his passengers the bad news.  The Arab stood up, but the Texan brushed past him, opened the door, and shouting, "Remember the Alamo," threw the Mexican out...........