Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[stickerswa]

A man yells out to his wife

Honey what would you do if I won lotto ??

I would take half and leave in heartbeat she yelled back.

OK then ........................................... I won 5th division so here is $6.40 and I will help you pack !!!

[stickerswa]

A little boy and a little girl are having a heated argument over who is better ...boys or girls.

The little girl gets real angry lifts her dress...drops her pants and says ...well girls are best because we have one of these !

The little boy goes Pfffftttt ....boys are best because (and drops his pants) we have one of these !

Little girls thinks for a second or 2 and says ...naaaahhhh  girls are best because with one of these ....we can get as many of those as we want !!!!!! 

[icyfroth]

What's the difference between a Kangaroo and a Kangaroot?

One's a kangaroo and one's a Scotsman stuck in a lift!!..

[icyfroth]

A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home....

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission.

It has a custom matching white cover for the bed.

Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats.

Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets.

Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins.

Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.

[goldenjet16]

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bull**** with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

————————————————————

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman! You don’t need him anymore! You’re a Senator from New York running for President of the United States. So act like one!!!

[village_person]

Harley and Vaseline.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike but was having no luck. Then one day he saw a ‘For Sale’ sign on a pristine Harley. The sale was made and Joe wanted to know how the seller had kept a 10-year-old Harley in mint condition. “Easy” said the seller, I just smear Vaseline over the chrome bits of the bike if it’s outside and rain is on the way. The seller handed Joe a jar of Vaseline and told him to use it if it looked like rain was threatening.

That night Joe’s girlfriend, Sandra, said it was time for Joe to meet her parents. They rode the Harley over to meet the parents for tea. Before they went inside Sandra told Joe not to speak at the table. The rule was that whoever spoke had to wash the dirty dishes. “OK” said Joe. As they entered the house Joe noticed the piles of dirty dishes. Some in the lounge room; a huge pile in the kitchen and still more stacked in the corridor.   

They all sat at the table and ate dinner. No one spoke. Joe started to amuse himself with an idea. He got out of his chair, kissed Sandra and undressed her and made love to her on the table. The parents were lived and red-faced but remained silent. Joe looked at Sandra’s mother and thought she was still very attractive with a good figure. Joe grabbed her and undressed her and made love to her right there on the dinner table. Sandra was mortified and very upset. Sandra’s father wanted to scream out but managed to remain silent. Sandra’s mother had a very broad grin on her face.

Then all of a sudden a loud clap of thunder caused Joe to go into a panic. Fearing that rain was coming Joe took the jar of Vaseline out of Sandra’s handbag. Sandra’s father threw his hands in the air and said, “OK, I’ll do the f@#kin’ dishes.”

[icyfroth]

---

@village_person wrote:

Harley and Vaseline.

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike but was having no luck. Then one day he saw a ‘For Sale’ sign on a pristine Harley. The sale was made and Joe wanted to know how the seller had kept a 10-year-old Harley in mint condition. “Easy” said the seller, I just smear Vaseline over the chrome bits of the bike if it’s outside and rain is on the way. The seller handed Joe a jar of Vaseline and told him to use it if it looked like rain was threatening.

That night Joe’s girlfriend, Sandra, said it was time for Joe to meet her parents. They rode the Harley over to meet the parents for tea. Before they went inside Sandra told Joe not to speak at the table. The rule was that whoever spoke had to wash the dirty dishes. “OK” said Joe. As they entered the house Joe noticed the piles of dirty dishes. Some in the lounge room; a huge pile in the kitchen and still more stacked in the corridor.   

They all sat at the table and ate dinner. No one spoke. Joe started to amuse himself with an idea. He got out of his chair, kissed Sandra and undressed her and made love to her on the table. The parents were lived and red-faced but remained silent. Joe looked at Sandra’s mother and thought she was still very attractive with a good figure. Joe grabbed her and undressed her and made love to her right there on the dinner table. Sandra was mortified and very upset. Sandra’s father wanted to scream out but managed to remain silent. Sandra’s mother had a very broad grin on her face.

Then all of a sudden a loud clap of thunder caused Joe to go into a panic. Fearing that rain was coming Joe took the jar of Vaseline out of Sandra’s handbag. Sandra’s father threw his hands in the air and said, “OK, I’ll do the f@#kin’ dishes.”

---

[icyfroth]

Fellow shows up at work Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss, figuring the guy got in a fight at a bar asks him,

"Where'd you get the shiners?"

"Got 'em both in church yesterday."

"In church!?! How in the world did you manage to get two black eyes in church?"

"Well, the preacher called a hymn and as we all stood up to sing, I noticed the lady standing in front of me. Her dress was sort of stuck in the crack of her ass, so I reached out and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the right eye."

"Well, how'd you get the other one?"

"Well, I figured if she got that mad from me pulling the dress out of the crack of her ass, I'd better put it back."

[goldenjet16]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children
with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."

"Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer
story...did you????

[monman12]

I have one or two originals from  the past CW posting days. :

"Well, I think 3 Pinks showing up to our fist lunch was a reward"