Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

Girl: "I called a man a son of a **bleep**."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a **bleep**?"

Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he touches her hand)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a **bleep**."

Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he touched her breast)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a **bleep**."

Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he takes off her clothes)

Girl: "Yes father."

Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a **bleep**."

Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

Priest: "Like this?"(as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a **bleep**."

Girl: "But father he had AIDS!"

Priest: "THAT SON OF A **bleep**!!!"

[tommy.irene]

A gas station owner in Mississippi was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, "Free Sex with Fill-Up." Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10, if he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no sex this time." A week later, the same redneck, along with a buddy, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time, the proprietor said,"Sorry, it was 3, you were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, the redneck said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex." Bubba replied, "No it ain't, Billy Ray, it ain't rigged, my wife won twice last week."

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman. The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now." Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again. The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?" The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."

[tommy.irene]

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this
true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it.... don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will
not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable
products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that
means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the
goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

[tommy.irene]

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the
table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go
hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old
buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my
rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .....whether you're
here or not."
(DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and pass gas!

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish. The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!

[tommy.irene]

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna’ get the day off. I’m gonna’ pretend I’ve gone mad!”

So Paddy climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down, and shouts “I’m a light bulb, I’m a light bulb!” while Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts, “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”As Paddy leaves the site, Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.

“Well, I can’t work in the’ dark!” said Murphy.

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]