Tommys Joke Page

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Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad?




To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called
condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.

Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of

3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, one
for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and
asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO
for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking

up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,


"Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one

for March......."

[tommy.irene]

Are We Old Yet???

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was
down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and
said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage
door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and
walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and
zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his
'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When
my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with
two flat tyres.'





An elderly gentleman....
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet..
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after
eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out
to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name
of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the
kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went
to last night?'


Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a
suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'


Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his
chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.. '
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of
bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'


A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's
perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart
murmur; be careful.'


A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'...

[tommy.irene]

.

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's busin

ess. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their sice.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... And left it there all night.

(You gotta love guys like Frank!)

Dearest Dad,

I'm coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I'm in

love with a man who is far away from me.

As you know, I'm in Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating

website, became friends on Facebook, and had long chats on Whatsapp. He

proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of a relationship

through Viber.

My beloved Dad, I'd like your blessing, good wishes, and a really big

wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your daughter,

Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like wow! Cool!

I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your

kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,

Your Dad

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!)

SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCH RAIL.

AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING THE DUST FROM HER FACE

AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE

SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY

IN THE OTHER.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND

LAUGHED, SAYING, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"

THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID,

"NO, I NEVER DID DANCE... NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."

A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND

SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND

STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.

THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR - NOT WANTING TO GET HER

TOE BLOWN OFF -STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY

WAS LAUGHING.

WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUN-

SLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED

AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.

THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A

DOUBLE-BARRELED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.

THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT

AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.

THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS TOO, AND HE

TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST

DEAFENING.

THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT

OLD WOMEN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN

BARRELS.

THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD

WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER

LICKED A MULE'S ASS?" THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD

AND SAID, "NO MAM.....BUT......I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."

THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS FOR US ALL HERE:

1 - Never be arrogant.

2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.

Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough."

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”

The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called,’Husband – the Master of the House?’"

Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"

Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper - so I’d be in your hands all day.

Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

..

[tommy.irene]

woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden. "You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..." Next morning the little man wakes the woman up. "Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies "Bless me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins".........

[tommy.irene]

[tommy.irene]

'The Obedient Wife'

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'


She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,
'Girl, I know you were not foolish
enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,
'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'


You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'


'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque....

If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

[tommy.irene]

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