Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A stupid guy dies and goes to Heaven. The gatekeeper of Heaven says, "Heaven is getting too full, so you have to pass this quiz to get in. First question: which two days of the week begin with T?" The guy replies, "That's easy. Today and tomorrow." The gatekeeper says, "OK, I'll give it to you. Second question: how many seconds are in a year?" The stupid guy says, "Twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd... ." The gatekeeper says, "OK, OK, I'll give it to you. Last question: what is God's first name?" The stupid guy replies, "Howard." The gatekeeper asks, "How on earth did you get Howard?" The guy says, "It's right there in the prayer: Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name."

[tommy.irene]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

[tommy.irene]

Two Irishmen in a dark cave.
"I can't see anything." says Paddy, "Do you have a match?"
Murphy gives him a match and he strikes it against the wall of the cave and nothing happens. He strikes it again, still nothing.
He then says, "Murphy, this match doesn't work."
"That's funny," says Murphy, "It worked okay this morning!!

[tommy.irene]

A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear. She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly "Would you like a cigarette?". His yes filled with wonder as he answered "sure". She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him a cigarette, took one herself and lit them both. As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?" "WoW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm. So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink. She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?" Amazed at his good fortune, he said "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"

[tommy.irene]

Dear Abby, My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating! Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills. Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do? Signed: Clueless Dear Clueless: Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States

[tommy.irene]

A small little lady goes into her doctor's office complaining of an irritated crotch. After an examination the doctor sighs, "I don't seem to see any problem. Does it get better or worse at any time?" "Yeah, its really bad whenever it rains." she replies. "Well, then," says the Doc, "Next time it rains, get in here at once, and we'll take another look at it." Two weeks later it's raining really hard, and the little lady shows up at the doctor's office. "Doctor, it's really bad today. Please you have to help me!" "Well, let's have a look," he says as he lifts her up onto the table. "Oh, yes, I think I see the problem. Nurse bring me a surgical kit. Don't worry ma'am this won't hurt a bit." The little lady closes her eyes in painful anticipation. The doctor begins snipping away and finishes a few minutes later. "There you go, ma'am, try that." She walks back and forth around the office and exclaims, "That's great,Doc, what did you do?" To which the doctor replied, "I just took a couple of inches off the top of your rain boots."

[tommy.irene]

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting that he can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "Mommy, mommy! I was at the playground, and daddy and..." Mommy tells him to slow down, and that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..." At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight." At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[tommy.irene]

"Sir, I understand you admit to having broken into the dress shop four times," the judge said. "Yes, Your Honor," the suspect replied. "What did you steal?" the judge asked. "I stole a dress, Your Honor," replied the suspect. "One dress?" the judge bellowed. "But you have admitted to breaking in four times!" "Yes, Your Honor," sighed the suspect, "but the first three times my wife didn't like the color!"

[tommy.irene]

Tommy had just closed down Patty Murphy's Pub and was ambulating his way slowly to the underground subway. Suddenly he was confronted by a huge sign which read: "WARNING! Dogs must be carried on the escalator - Absolutely NO EXCEPTIONS!" Tommy bemoaned: "Bejabbers, and, pray tell, just where is a bloke to be findin' a dog at this unholy hour?"

[tommy.irene]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just: * sits in your living room, * messes up your stuff, * eats your food, * uses your telephone, * takes your money, * and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place... You either married it or gave birth to it?