Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside. That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: "Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this." The husband said: "I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!"

[tommy.irene]

God created man,stepped back and said "Perfect." He then created woman,stepped back,had a long look and said " this`ll have to wear make up!"

[tommy.irene]

A little old lady was driving the wrong way down a one-way street and was stopped by a cop. “Didn’t you see the arrows?” he asked. “Arrows? I didn’t even see the Indians!” she exclaimed.

[tommy.irene]

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[tommy.irene]

When I went to the automobile dealership to pick up my car, I was told the keys had been locked in it. I went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I said to the technician, "this side is open!" He replied, "I know. I already did that side."

[tommy.irene]

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Little Johnny, who sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

[tommy.irene]

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!" "Oh, no..." says the knight. "Well, you do now."

[tommy.irene]

I was sitting on a bench in the park next to a homeless man, I asked him how he ended up this way.He said: Up until Last week, I still had it all!!! A cook, cooked my meals, my room was cleaned, my clothes were washed, pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV, internet, I went to the gym, the pool, the library, I could still go to school. I asked him, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce? Oh No, nothing like that he said. No, no ... I got out of prison!

[cee-dee]

One night at a local pub frequented by a notorious bunch of hot-rod drivers, the local cops staked out the place waiting for drunk drivers.

As the cops waited, eventually Tommy stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The cops knew they had a drunk driver, so now all they had to do was wait for him to start his engine and pull out of the car park.

A few hours passed by and most of the other drivers had left by then, when Tommy abruptly lifted his head, cranked the car up and drove out like a bat out of hell. The cops followed him and stopped him promptly.

They administered a breath test and it read 0.00. Confused, the cop asked Tommy what the hell was going on.

Tommy looked at him innocently and said, "Well, tonight I was the designated decoy."

[cee-dee]

Tommy bought a new Mercedes and was out on the motoway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the speedo hit 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing blue light behind him. "There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 140 with the lights still behind him.

"What in the world am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last traffic stop. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," Tommy said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"