Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

I got my wife one of those handy little safety devices specifically designed to help woman drivers avoid accidents. It's called a bus pass.

[tommy.irene]

A man passed out on the beach in Miami for four hours, and got horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees. He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, -‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor? The doctor replied, -‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs…

[tommy.irene]

“Poor Old fool,” thought the gentleman as he watched an old man trying to fish in a puddle of water outside of the bar. He decided to invite the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught so far?” The old man replied, “You’re the eighth today.”

[tommy.irene]

Two elederly couples were enjoying a friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding!" Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest techniques-visualization, association- it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?" Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife....."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?

[tommy.irene]

The Pope and David Cameron are on the same stage in Wembley Stadium in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leans towards Cameron and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my right hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with Joy..? This joy will not be a single momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and Rejoice..!" Cameron replied, "I seriously doubt that..! With just one little wave of your hand....OK.. Go on. Show me..!" So the Pope, right hooked him and knocked him clear off the stage..! AND THE CROWD ROARED and CHEERED WILDLY and there was happiness and joy throughout the Land..! Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it..?

[tommy.irene]

When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85. That's when I finally understood why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

[tommy.irene]

A 16-year-old boy who works part-time job pulls into his parent's driveway in a Porsche. Naturally, his mom and dad know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to own such a car. “Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad scream in unison. He calmly tells them, “I bought it today.” “With what money?” his mom demands. “We know what a Porsche costs.” “Well,” says the boy, “This one cost me fifteen dollars.” At this point, naturally, the parents start yelling even louder. “Who on earth would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?!” “The lady up the street,” the boy replies, shrugging. “I don’t know her name–she just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.” “Oh my gosh,” the mom moans. The boy’s father and mother rush over to their new neighbor’s house, ready to break down her door and demand an explanation. Curiously, their new neighbor is calmly planting petunias. “I’m the father of the kid you just sold a sports car to for $15,” the dad says. “I need an explanation from you – ASAP!” “Well,” the neighbor says, not looking up from her garden. “This morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn’t intend to come back.” “What on earth does that have to do with selling our son a Porsche for $15?” The boy’s mom asks – utterly perplexed. The new neighbor smiles, and pauses for a minute. “Well, my husband asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

[tommy.irene]

.A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella. The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Little Johnny, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?"
Little Johnny replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

[tommy.irene]

A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor. Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation. Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick. Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning? Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job. Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive? Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined. Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept? Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead. Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container. Trucker: Yeah, that? s right. All lead. Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning. Trucker: I’m not. I’m claiming for lead poisoning.

[tommy.irene]

One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. Week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"