Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was. Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children. "Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

[tommy.irene]

One day, an Eskimo family arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native village, and it didn't take long before the wife got lost. The husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it. When he got there, a police officer asked him for the wife's description. "What's that?" asked the husband. "Well, you see a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 5'11", 140 lbs, 38-25-36 measurements. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?" "The heck with her, lets go look for yours!"

[tommy.irene]

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.” So she consented, and they were married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10-meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. This was followed by a three rotations in jackknife position before he again straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on his towel. She said, “That was incredible!” He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.” So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. She was moving so fast that the froth from her pushing off at one end of the pool would hardly be gone before she was already touching the other end. She did laps in freestyle, breaststroke, even butterfly! After about thirty laps, completed in mere minutes, she climbed back out and lay down on her towel, barely breathing heavy. He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?” No, she said, “I was a ‘lady of the evening’ in Fort Worth and I worked both sides of the Trinity river…”

[tommy.irene]

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, -“My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!” As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash. The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking. Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire is so impressed, he says, -“My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn’t think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?” The man says, -“Listen, I don’t want your money. I don’t want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!”

[tommy.irene]

What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife? When you're having sex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

[tommy.irene]

A night-patrol policeman noticed a drunk man trying to enter a house. He went up to the drunk guy and asked, -“Is this your house?” -“Yesh!”, replied the inebriated man. The night-patrol policeman asked, “Are you sure?” -“Yessh sirr”, replied the wasted man.”Can you help me open the door, I’ll prove it to you.” They went in and the drunkard said, “You see that painting? Belongsh to me!! See that LED TV? Belongsh to me!!” He then asked the policeman to follow him upstairs. He made his way up unsteadily. He opened the door and declared, -“See the bed. Belongsh to me. That wooman shleeping on the bed – that’s my wife. You see that fellow shleeping next to her. That’s meee!”

[tommy.irene]

Every Sunday afternoon a mother found a candy bar wrapper in her young sons room. She finally had to ask, "Johnny why do I find a candy bar wrapper in your room every Sunday after church?" He answered by saying that God gave him the money and he used it to buy a candy bar. The mother quickly replied, "God gave it to you? How did this happen?" "Well mom, you give me a dollar to give to God. So before church every Sunday I throw it up into the air. I figure if God wants it he'll take it. If not, it will fall back down to me."

[cee-dee]

Tommy was wandering around the supermarket, drunk as usual and watched intently as a lady picked up these items:-

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. jar of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading the items from the conveyor belt and putting them in to a bag, drunken Tommy calmly slurred, "You musht be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was curious about his intuition since she had indeed never found Mr. Right.

 She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off an old drunk like Tommy as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , "Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

Tommy replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[tommy.irene]

---

@cee-dee wrote:

Tommy was wandering around the supermarket, drunk as usual and watched intently as a lady picked up these items:-

A half-gallon of 2% milk
A carton of eggs
A quart of orange juice
A head of lettuce
A 2 lb. jar of coffee
A 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading the items from the conveyor belt and putting them in to a bag, drunken Tommy calmly slurred, "You musht be single."

She was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was curious about his intuition since she had indeed never found Mr. Right.

 She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off an old drunk like Tommy as to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said , "Yes you are correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

Tommy replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

---

Ha..ha..ha.

[tommy.irene]

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. ------------------------------------------------------------------ Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.' ------------------------------------------------------------------ 'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'It's not unusual.' ------------------------------------------------------------------ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? ' 'No, because he's really heavy' ------------------------------------------------------------------ 'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.' 'Well you can't say fairer than that then' ------------------------------------------------------------------ Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! ------------------------------------------------------------------ So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.' ------------------------------------------------------------------ So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' ------------------------------------------------------------------ Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr. Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other 'Does this taste funny to you?' ----------------------------------------------------------------- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. ------------------------------------------------------------------- You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill' ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places' ------------------------------------------------------------------- I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...' ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.' ------------------------------------------------------------------- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in. ------------------------------------------------------------------- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'. ------------------------------------------------------------------- I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself. ------------------------------------------------------------------- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So are you, you fat slob!' ------------------------------------------------------------------- Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night