Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

Prince Charles is driving up the driveway towards Windsor Castle, when all of a sudden, one of the queens Yorkies, dashes in front of the car. Charles brakes and swerves as best as he could, but to no avail, and there is a deadening thud and noise as the dog is rattled around the front wheel arch and then squashed into the tarmac by the rear wheel.

In a bit of a panic, Charles jumps out of the car and looks around the back to see the remains of the Yorkie, which is hardly recognisable as an animal. In utter dismay, he says to himself "oh my god, mum's going to be devastated. I wish the bloody dog was OK". No sooner had he said the word "wish", a genie popped out of nowhere and said, "Charlie, today is your lucky day my friend", to which he replied, "are you mad, look at what i have done to mums dog". The genie says "Not to worry Charlie, to make your day better, I grant you one wish". Without hesitation, Charles say "Of course, I wish the dog was alive and OK". The genie looks back over at the dog and says, "Sorry Charlie, even with all of my power and magic, there isn't even anything I can do for that dog, you had better think of something else".

After a few moments of pondering, Charles says, "Oh well, could you make Camilla into a beautiful Princes for me", to which the genie replies "Bloody hell Charlie, let me take another look at that dog"

[tommy.irene]

As I walked out of the front door with my bags last night, I looked back at my wife and said, "Are you sure about this? It doesn't feel right?"
"Yes, I'm sure," she replied, "You're a lazy and it's about time."
"What about the kids?" I asked.
"They're busy watching tv" she said, "Now just be a man for once and put the rubbish out." 🙂

[tommy.irene]

An attractive blonde arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand pounds on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, your Mummy needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY:

Not all blondes are stupid, not all blondes are dumb, but all men are MEN.

[tommy.irene]

A man goes to bed and reaches over to his wife. He starts sliding his hand 
slowly across her back, shoulders, then down her side just glancing her 
breasts, and then carries on down her side and legs. 

He slides her legs apart and slowly runs his hand up and down her inner 
thigh. 

He moves back towards the top and stops. 

His wife opens her eyes and gasps, "Why did you stop?" 

He replies, "Found the remote ... Go back to sleep!"

[tommy.irene]

The Italian virgin,

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[tommy.irene]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He's going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a large, blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?" The ventriloquist looks on in amazement.

"It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community," she continued,
"and of reaching my full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large... all in the name of humor."

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize. The blonde interjects, "You stay out of this, mister, I'm talking to that little fella on your knee!"

[tommy.irene]

I was in a club last night and a really ugly woman came up to me, she squeezed my butt and said, ''Give me your phone number.''
I said, ''Have you got a pen?''
She smiled and said, ''Yes.''
I said, ''Well you'd better get back to it before the farmer notices you're missing!"

[the_hawk*]

Hi Tommy I take it Lynn nas never turned up again? 😞

[tommy.irene]

Hi Hawk.. no one has heard of her.. sad really she was nice woman.

[tommy.irene]

This is for Loopy lynn..