Visiting Irishman From UK

[tommy.irene]

Hi everyone ..top o the morning to ye..just passing by..though I would call in to see you

[tommy.irene]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head 

and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."

[tommy.irene]

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here
that the Pope does.'

[tommy.irene]

A little girl says to her mum "mummy can I take Lucy the dog for a walk round the block?"
Mum relies "no she's on heat"
Little girl asks "what do mean by on heat mummy?"
Mum replies "go and ask your father he's in the garage"

So the little girl goes into the garage and says "daddy mummy said Lucy is on heat and I want to take her for a walk round the block"
Dad then grabs a piece of cloth, soaks it in petrol and rubs it on the dog's backside to disguise any smell, then says that little girl can take the dog for a walk, adding "make sure you keep her on a leash and only go round the block once"
About 20 mins later the child returns with a leash but no dog.
Dad says "where's the dog?" (wait for it........)



The little girl replies "well she ran out of petrol about half way so another dog is pushing her home"..

[clair.de.lune]

crikey!

[tommy.irene]

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!): 

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect .'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble?'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the
screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator?'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. 
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's 
plugged into the wall..
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that 
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again
and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely
into the back of your computer..'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
Caller: 'No...'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and
lean way over?'
Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark?'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is 
coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't..'
Operator: 'No? Why not?'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it 
licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals
and packing stuff that your computer came in?'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack 
it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back
to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too damned stupid to own a computer!'

[tommy.irene · Accepted solution]

Two men are drinking in a bar. One turns to the other and says, "I bet you $100 that I can bite my eye." The second fellow thinks to himself, I guess he's had about enough, so he replies, "OK, you're on." The first man takes out his glass eye and bites it. So the second man has to pay. Awhile later the first man says, "I bet you $100 I can bite my other eye." The second man thinks, well, he can't have TWO glass eyes; he obviously can see. So he says, "All right, you're on." The second man promptly takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye.

[tommy.irene]

A guy walking down a street one afternoon passes an old man sitting on the side of the road with a large sack. The younger guy says to the old man, "Watcha got in the sack?" The old man responds, "I got some monkeys in that there sack." The younger man asks, "If I guess how many monkeys you got in the sack, can I keep one?" The old man replies, "Son, if you guess how many monkeys I got in this sack, I'll give you both of 'em!"

[tommy.irene]

NEWS FLASH


A mans body was removed from the River Thames this morning.

He was wearing a Chelsea football top, womans stockings, high heels, wig and had a sex toy in his left hand. To save his family any embarrassment the Police removed the Chelsea top.

[tommy.irene]

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the 
Head with a frying pan. 
'What was that for?' the man asked. 
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on 
It that I found in your pants pocket'. 
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' 
The wife apologized and went on with the housework. 
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. 
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned'

[tommy.irene]

Curtain Rods - an extension of the old story



On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases...


On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things...



On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, 
by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water...



When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods..



He then cleaned up the kitchen and left...



On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss...



Then, slowly, the house began to smell...



They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place...



Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned...



Air fresheners were hung everywhere... Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting...

Nothing worked !!!
People stopped coming over to visit...



Repairmen refused to work in the house... The maid quit...



Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, 
but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house...



Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls...



Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place...



Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going... She told him the saga of the rotting house... He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange 
for having the house...



Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth... 
But only if he would sign the papers that very day...



He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork...



A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.......







and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!



Don't you just love stories with "happy endings"?