Nicnacs I understand what you are saying and have been hesitant in posting a reply, questioning myself if it would be a good thing for me to do, or not.
I hope to keep my reply as brief as I can, yet still be able to give some insight into my own personal experience/s.
I haven’t watched Tv news or looked at a newspaper for years. I rarely watch any Tv and have no interest in the programs Tv has to offer.
I do read some online news occasionally because I can choose what I want to read and what to avoid. I also avoid some topics of conversation to protect myself from being “triggered” and the topic you have raised, I think, fringes on ones I try to avoid.
I had 5 sons and age difference from the youngest to the eldest was less than 14 years. The youngest now being in his early 30s.
For almost 15 years, myself and family have had to endure some difficult times.
We have suffered the loss of 2 sons, one from a motor vehicle accident, and the other where no cause of death could be found. In between the above events another son was involved in serious incident.
When we lost our first son we were notified by the cops when they knocked on our door early one evening . He was riding his motor bike and another vehicle hit him. He was an innocent victim. It was a crushing blow. Over the next week there were many things that had to done, some unpleasant. Within a week I was broken, and there was still more to do, the Funeral etc etc and so on. When things began to quiet down the magnitude of the entire event hit me, and hard. Any alone time I could get I would fall to pieces, there were times when all the horrible emotions seemed to hit all at once, and with so many it was impossible to function. It took 3 or 4 years to get some normality back into my life.
The next event, also involved the cops. One of sons was involved in a carjacking. He had been attacked at night while stopped at traffic lights by a couple of lowlifes. They took the car and and my boy was in hospital. My wife and I went to the hospital and when I saw what they had done to my son I exploded.
As the days went by I found out more about what had happened. Despite his injuries he was able to make his way (and from my memory) to bottle shop or something similar for assistance.
For me the entire event also opened the wounds I had from when we had lost our son, and again I had a hard time functioning. As my son improved, I also started to improve. He recovered from the physical injuries but I think there must be emotional scars from what had happened.
I know, I have lots of them from this event and the previous one.
A few years back, more cops come to our home. We knew it was going to be bad news because that is the only time they ever come. Before they had a chance to say anything my wife starts yelling at them (with lots of swearing) She didn’t want introductions, what station they were from etc. All she wanted was for them to tell her “which one” I cannot find any word or words that can describe the emotion I suddenly felt when I heard those two words. She didnt want any B/S all she wanted to know was “which one”. I do remember saying to myself over and over and over “please no, please no” Then one of the cops said a name. We had lost another son.
All the wounds of the past spilt open and it happened to everyone in my family.
The only way I can describe it is: It was like every bad emotion I had felt from the past came rushing out and became so intertwined with each other they converged in one huge ball of one terrible emotion.
It consumed me at a rapid pace. I felt so helpless, there was nothing I could do to take away the pain of what my wife and boys were going through. There were times I could not bare to look at my wife because I could see her pain, the hurt, loss etc. As we went on things at home were not good, we were not fighting but we were on different paths and were not communicating very well. My wife and I agreed that a separation might be best. The last thing we wanted was to end up in a nasty split as it often does.
Its be over a year since we separated, we are in regular contact and catch up often.
I keep in contact with the boys and are hoping to catch up with them towards the end of the month and next month.
I was seeing a councillor for a while and stopped going. I was unable to put into words what I was actually feeling.
I think I know myself better that anyone and I needed to take control of myself. I fell into isolation, and when I became aware of it, I went with it. I said to people I need time out and for them stop asking me how I am going. Being asked that, was a constant reminder of things and wasn’t helping me at all.
I am on the improve but I do have a long way to go. I am getting better at identifying my emotions and instead of fighting them I try and let them run their course and they can be painful at times. I am still in some isolation mode but I am not in a hurry to find some normality in my life and wont be rushing things.
Finally there are two things I need to add.
In writing this I have had some moments and it has been a struggle for me to continue with the reply.
More importantly, I hope my reply does not “trigger” anyone or cause anyone grief. In is not my intention to do so. If it does, please let me know I will report it to the moderators and ask that it be removed.
Trav
