Jokes

[kengillard]

They're boasting about race recordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast...

[kengillard]

Two fools are about to go flyingTwo morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has so...

[kengillard]

A burglar is in big troubleA burglar has just made it into the house he's intending ransacking, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

"I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, "you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!"


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[freshwater-2]

A refrigerated truck broke down on the Pacific Highway outside of Sydney.  He was delivering penquins to Taronga Park Zoo.

He hailed down a passing refrigerated truck and explained that he was on the way to the Zoo with the penguines and would he take them there for him for $100.

The second driver agreed.

Once the first driver was on his way again he went to the zoo to find out if the penguines were OK and was advised by management that the penguines hadn't arrived.

Two days later the first driver was walking down Pitt Street and saw the other driver with dozens of penguins following him down the street..

He asked why the penguines weren't at the zoo.

The second driver said..."Well, I took them to the zoo and still had $50 left over so I am taking them to the movies".

[kengillard]

Two roaches having a discussionTwo roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a d...

[kengillard]

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Q: Why is a tree like a dog?
A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?
A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Q: What is the difference between a rottweiler and a social worker?
A: It is easier to get your kids back from a rotweiler!

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops?
A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.

[kengillard]

Hello Freshie

Slow golfers are ahead of usJoe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[*ibis]

URGENT! COMMUNITY SPIRIT VIRUS ALERT!

a thread was recently made asking  "How big is your "THING"? there was a picture on said thread of someones knees THIS IS A VIRUS! to fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings>Enable Webcam> Record Movie

please post movie to our designated virus troubleshooter ibis. thank you for your cooperation, ibis will be looking forward to helping you

[kengillard]

Actual stupid questions askedThe below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[kengillard]

That was a knee???:O