Jokes

[kengillard]

They're boasting about race recordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast...

[kengillard]

is anyone enjoying this?   if not I shall cease and desist:^O

[freshwater-2]

I LOVE IT GILLY !!!!

[b3llag1na]

This was first published in April 1957, but it's still strangely pertinent
to banking practices today....

- - -

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in
references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money
they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they
made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to
the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable
to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to
someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's
the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any
money at all?
A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they
get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five-and-a-half percent. That's their
profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted
to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be
glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU GOT IT!

[trulyspecialgoodies]

An elderly man died while in hospital. The doctor told the man's equally elderly wife that he had died of a 'massive myocardial infarct' which is medical terminology for a heart attack. A little while later the same doctor overheard the lady on the phone telling someone that her husband had died of a 'massive internal fart'.

[b3llag1na]

 A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.....

The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.

Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry...we can’t hire you." 

"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!" 

"Really? Great! Show me!"

So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking. 

"Well," said the interviewer, "that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!" 

"Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!" 

"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?" 

"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"

[twyngwyn]

David Thorne strikes again:

http://www.27bslash6.com/halogen.html

[flashback_deals]

[twyngwyn]

  Subject:  Have to love the Irish

Patton staggered home very late after another  evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the  stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung  around and he landed heavily on his rump.  A whiskey bottle in each back  pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to  yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror  to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  He managed to  quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he  could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty  Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning,  Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen  staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last  night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean  thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could  be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of  blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but  mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall  mirror.




Father Murphy walks into  a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to  heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then  stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man,  'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man  replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the  priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want  to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The  priest said, 'I don't believe this.  You mean to tell me that when  you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die  , yes.  I thought you were getting a group together to go right  now.'


Paddy was driving down the street  in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking  place.  Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.  If  you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me  life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place  appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found  one.'

[twyngwyn]

Young people have theirs,

now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD- At the Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring the Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM- Covered by Medicare

* CUATSC- See You at the Senior Center

* DWI- Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL- Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO- Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL- Living on Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT- Texting on Toilet

* WAITT - Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

[twyngwyn]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eryxAcsTcOA&sns=em

Huge Bear Surprises Crew on EcoBubble Photo Shoot in BC