Jokes

[kengillard]

They're boasting about race recordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast...

[*sparklz*]

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I bought this hat yesterday!"

[*sparklz*]

 
SENIOR DRIVER
 
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
 
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
 
He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly to be driving."
 
"Well, yes, I am," she replied proudly.

"I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore."
 
"The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license.  I told him yes and handed it to him.  He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw it in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore,' so I thanked him and left!"

[twyngwyn]

 An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland ,arrived  at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty  thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.     She said,"I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude. "with that, she stripped from the neck down,rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come  on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"     As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down  and squealed."Yes!Yes!I won,I won!"

She hugged each of the dealers,   picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.     The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.   Finally,one of them asked,"What did she roll?"The other answered, "I   don't know - I thought you were watching."     MORAL OF THE STORY     Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,   .....but all men....are men!

[spotweldersfriend]

Did you hear about the suicidal homeopath?
He took 1/50th of the recommended dose.

[*sparklz*]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that." The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class." Since they couldn't agree, they decided to ask the old man.  They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk. But we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?" The old man said, "I'll tell you. But first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."     The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old-timer, what do you have?" The old man said,  "I thought it was WIND - but I was wrong, too!"

[spotweldersfriend]

Rene Descartes is sitting in a bar finishing his drink."Would you like another,sir?"asks the barman."I think not"he replies and disappears in a puff of logic.

[*sparklz*]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding 
when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge,
so they stopped.



The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he didn't want to appear insensitive, he didn't want
to miss an opportunity either, so he asked... "Well, before you jump why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep, passionate, lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best
kiss I've ever had! That's a real talent you are wasting. You could
be famous.  Why in the world would you  want to commit suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

The authorities think 'she' may have been pushed.

[*sparklz*]

An Italian MaMa 

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. 

He lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate is.
 
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.''

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl.  You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." 

So he sat down and wrote an email:


Dear MaMa,

I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it.

But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Your Loving Son                       

Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his MaMa which read:
Dear son,

I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Your Loving MaMa

[*sparklz*]

My OH cousin is Italian hence these jokes.

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson
who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta
301. There issa bigga panel at the front door.

Witha you elbow, pusha button 301. I will buzza you in.

Come inside, the elevator is ona the right. Get in, and witha you
elbow, pusha 3. When you get out, I'mma ona the left.

Witha you elbow, hitta my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons
with my elbow? ........

"What ? . . . . . You coming empty handed?"

[*sparklz*]

A Welshman, an Irishman and a Scotsman go into a pub. They all
have a severe stutter. "What's it to be?" asks the stunningly
beautiful landlady.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi..........." says the Welshman.

Up steps the Irishman. "Three p pints of of of of gui gui
gui.."

Then the Scotsman tries. "Th th th th th th
th................."

"Oh sod this !" says the beautiful landlady and walks away to
serve someone else. She returns ten minutes later and asks if they
are ready to order yet.

"Th th th th three pi pi pi pi", stutters the Welshman "Three
pints of gui gui gui gui........." tries Paddy.

And then Scotty starts "Th th th th th th th..........."..

"Look" says the beautiful landlady, "who loves a bet?"

"If any one of you can tell me where you live without
stuttering I'll let you make love to me!"

Quietly confident that no one will win, she turns to the
Welshman.

"Where do you live then boyo?"

"C C C C CC AAAA.......Rrrrrrr.... ."

"No. You lose." says the beautiful landlady. Turning to the
Scotsman, Where do you live Scotty?" she asks, trying not to laugh.

"E E E Ed Ed Edin Edin Edin Edinb."

"No. You lose." says the gorgeous woman.

"And Paddy, where do you live?" she purrs at the Irishman.

"London" blurts out the Irishman.

"Oh no!" says the landlady.

A great cheer goes up in the pub and the landlady reluctantly
takes him by the hand and leads him upstairs. Once in the bedroom she
strips to her underwear, next she takesoff her bra exposing a
voluptuous bosom.

Finally she slides off her panties then climbs into bed. Paddy
with concentration furrowing his brow, climbs on and goes for glory,
and then, right at the end he suddenly screams out..

".......D D D Derry!!"