Jokes

[kengillard]

They're boasting about race recordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast...

[twyngwyn]

http://theshovel.com.au/2013/07/16/invisible-things-are-ridiculous-says-man-who-lives-his-life-accor...

[fourandsixpants]

DOG FOR SALE




A guy is driving around the back woods of  Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:  'Talking Dog For Sale'.  He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the back yard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.  I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.  In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

      
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.  I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'
 

'I got married, had a mess of puppies and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed.  He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars?  This dog is amazing!  Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bull**bleep**ter.  He's never been out of the yard.'

[fourandsixpants]

                                                                           TOP SALESMAN

                                          Does following remind you of recent suggestion to impose levy on bank savings?

This made me smile****
Toothbrushes****

The kids filed into class Monday morning.  They were all very excited.

        Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
     Little Sally led off.  "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."  "Very good", said the teacher.
     Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."   "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
     Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.  "$2,467", he said.
     "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
     Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny.
     "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
     "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" Then I would say, "It is dog poop, you wanna buy a toothbrush?" I used the Australian politician method of giving you some **carp**, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

****
     Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment. Bless his heart****

[fourandsixpants]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the 'Antiques Roadshow'.

"Ooh!" said the presenter, "This is a very rare set, produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century.

Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?"

"...Sticks?" Paddy replied.

[fourandsixpants]

Man Logic!!

Woman: Do you drink beer?  

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 am I correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Porsche?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No

Man: Where's your Porsche?

[fourandsixpants]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men

Along the road-side eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?""We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied."We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " theLawyer said."But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,Under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wifeAnd SIX children with me!""Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as largeAs the limousine was.Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said,"Sir,You are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.You'll really love my place.The grass is almost a foot high."
Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????

LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY!

This took place in Charlotte,North Carolina .

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then

Insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great

Cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the … insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost ‘in a series of

Small fires.’

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that

The man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued – and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company

That the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the

Lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that

The cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure

Them against fire, without defining what is considered to be

Unacceptable ‘fire’ and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance

Company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his

Loss of the cigars that perished in the ‘fires’.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART…

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him

Arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and

Testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer

Was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was

Sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year’s Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

[twyngwyn]

FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH

 
 
His dizzy aunt ----------------------------------------------- Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes------------------------------- Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store ------ Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia ----------------------------- U Gogh
His magician uncle -------------------------------- Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ---------------------------------------- A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half-brother ------------ Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach --------------- Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle ------------------------------------- Can't Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt -------------------------------- Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle -------------------------------------- Fla-ming Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ------------------ Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ----------------------------------- Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco -------------------------------------- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV --- Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling . . .. there ya Gogh

[twyngwyn]

He spent the first day following his divorce packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room
table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a 
pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few
half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When his ex returned with her new partner, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere.  Exterminators were brought in to set off
gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end 
they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.  Nothing worked !!

People stopped coming over to visit.  Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find 
a buyer for their stinky house.  Word got out and eventually even the local 
realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase
a new place.

The ex called and asked her how things were going.

She told him the saga of the rotting house.

He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and

asked if they would be willing to reduce their divorce settlement in

exchange for getting the house.

Knowing he had no idea how bad the smell was, they agreed on a price that
was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to 
sign the papers that very day.

He agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the ex and her partner stood smiling as they watched the moving
company pack everything to take to their new home.

And just to spite her ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods !!!

[polksaladallie]

A MAN WAS INTRIGUEDTO SEE A FUNERAL PROCESSION OF TWO HEARSES, FOLLOWED BY A MAN WITH A DOG, FOLLOWED BY 130 MEN WALKING IN SINGLE FILE. 

HE ASKED THE MAN WITH THE DOG WHAT IT WAS ALL ABOUT.

THE ANSWER WAS, "MY WIFE IS IN THE FIRST HEARSE, MY MOTHER-IN-LAW IS IN THE SECOND HEARSE.

"WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM?"

"THE DOG KILLED THEM" SAID THE MAN.

"CAN I BUY YOUR DOG?" SAID THE ONLOOKER.

"SURE", SAID THE MAN.  "JUST GO TO THE END OF THE LINE". 

[twyngwyn]

Many of us 'Old Folks' (over 50) are quite confused today about how we should present ourselves. Feeling 'young', we try to conform to current fashions and present a youthful image.

Contrary to what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:


1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedos and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Mini skirts and varicose veins