Jokes

[kengillard]

They're boasting about race recordsSome race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast...

[twyngwyn]

ageing & your youth

http://www.youtube.com/embed/tiAZ01dkcdc?feature=player_embedded

[twyngwyn]

A Poem by Pam Ayres" I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive
"It's sixty k's an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green
>It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear
And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

[twyngwyn]

as sick as a dog

[twyngwyn]

https://www.youtube.com/v/_CwHrJt8Oz8

LOL....only 1 min 49 sec

[twyngwyn]

Nine Thoughts to Ponder

1.      Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

2.     Life is sexually transmitted.

3.     Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

4.     Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart.  If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

5.     Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

6.     Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital,dying of nothing.

7.     All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

8.     In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

9.     Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.

...and as someone recently said to me,don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.

[myoclon1cjerk]

The British Way
 
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
 
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British SAS soldier selling regimental ties.
 
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
 
The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry".
 
"Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."
 
The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel!"
 
I do not need an over- priced tie. I need water!
 
I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
 
"OK," said the  soldier,
 
"It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you.
 
If you continue over  that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."
 
Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
 
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped ...
 
"They won't let me in without a f***ing tie"!
 

[twyngwyn]

A man in Northern Ontario woke up one morning to find a bear on his roof.

He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure enough, there was an ad for

"Northern Ontario Bear Removers. He  called the number listed and the

bear remover said he'd be over within an hour. 

The bear remover arrived, and got out of his pickup.He had a ladder, a

baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a mean looking, heavily scarred

old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asked. "I'm going to put this

ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there, and knock the

bear off the roof with this baseball bat.

When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles,

and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in

the cage in the back of the van."

He then handed the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" the homeowner asked.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, you shoot the dog!"

[mick590_1]

New on the market, Viagra for eyes, makes you look hard     

[twyngwyn]

Prize winning Idiots of 2013 in Australia

Number One.
"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and, at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".

Number Two.
Some Boeing employees on the airfield in Sydney decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Westpac Rescue Helicopter coming towards  them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three.
A man, wanting to rob a Bank of Queensland, walked into the Branch and wrote 'Put all ya muny in this beeg.' While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank and crossed the street to the NAB Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the Harbour, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of Queensland deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a NAB deposit slip or go back to Bank of Queensland. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'okay' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of Queensland. Happened in Brisbane.

Number Four.
A guy walked into a little corner store in Cairns with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's licence out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that she got off the licence. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Number Five.
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. Happened in Adelaide

Number Six.
A guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a brick through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the brick and heaved it over his
head at the window. The brick bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Flexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
Happened in Perth WA .

Number seven.
"My daughter went to a local McDonalds and ordered a burger. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said was sorry, but they only had iceberg." Happened in Surfer's Paradise.

Number eight.
"I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded. "That's why we ask."
Happened in Melbourne.

Number nine.
"When my husband and I arrived at a car dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply, 'I know - I already done that side.' Happened at the Ford dealership Dubbo.

[twyngwyn]