113 REPLIES 113

Jokes

Marijuana and Marriage:
Smile for the day!

For those who haven't heard, Washington State recently passed two laws. They legalized gay marriage and Legalized marijuana.

The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned"

Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!   

Message 51 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers. 

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope โ€“ containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account. 

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier. 

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. 

Provided those w@nkers at Boral deliver the f*#&ing bricks on time.'
Message 52 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:-


"Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

 

*The survey was a complete failure because:*

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Australia, New Zealand and Britain everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian
 accent.

Message 53 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

A man walks into a bar, and half his head is an orange.

He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television. After a while, he runs dry and orders another.

"Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."

The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.

I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food. I was desperate, on the virge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...

I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-burried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.

There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me. Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.

'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'

I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness. I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.'

'Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bluge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could. The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.

'What is you second wish, my master?'

I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.'

'Your wish is granted!' Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.

'What is your third wish, my master?'

I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.

'Djinni, for my third wish, I want half my head to be an orange.'"
Message 54 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes


A 32-year-old Haitian male walks into a bar.

He presents with ankylosing spodyarthirits and a duck under his arm. He tells the bartender, "My serum alkaline phospatase is elevated with .05 mg/L of meperidine in my plasma and I bet $100 my duck can **it into a shotglass ten feet away."

The bartender says, "Is this just an ordinary duck who has not been administered a dose of Baclofen or Cyclobenzaprine?"

The Haitian says "Well, lumbar puncture has been performed and revealed gram-negative cocci and decreased leukocytes, but other than that, it's an ordinary duck."

"You got a bet if I can perform a rectal biopsy and independent bloodwork."

"Of course."

The bartender puts a shotglass on the bar about seven feet away indicating either excessive confidence or a partial loss of visual acuity. The duck passes a reddish, gelatinous-looking stool right onto the bar and nowhere near the shotglass. The bartender laughs and says, "Either you're the dumbest ankylosing Haitian I ever met or you're suffering from cerebral hemorrhage."

The Haitian, without increase in BP, pulls out a hundred dollar bill and says, "I may be a dumb ankylosing Haitian, but I just bet those first-year interns in the corner 500 bucks a piece I could get my duck to **it all over your bar and you'd laugh about it."

The duck is most likely suffering a deficiency of

A. Ceftriaxone
B. Erythromycin
C. Methicillin
D. Tetracycline
E. Vancomycin

Message 55 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

A moth walks into a podiatrist's office.
The podiatrist says, "Moth, what's the problem?" And the moth says, "What's the problem. Well, doc, where do I begin? Every day I get up to another cruel sky. It's like the sun is mocking me as I begin the gruelling preparations for another 8-hours of slogging in meaningless toil for my boss, Gregor McIvanichisky. A grey self, captive in a grey cubicle in a grey office with no windows that I might see the grey clouds beyond... I just sit in my cubicle as I feel the throbbing ache of the best days of my life being raped away into a monotonous, forgettable slurry of irrelevant corporate drudgery. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't think my boss even knows. All he knows is that he has power over me. And my children...my daughter is always on her cellphone, texting and emailing. I haven't spoken real words to her in weeks. My oldest son is never home and when he is, he's locked in his room listening to angry music. My youngest son, he's only 4, I look at him and he asks me to play... and I feel nothing. No love, no tenderness... just a void. And when I look in the mirror...I don't recognize the face staring back at me. It's aged so much from the boyish looks I remember. The years have carved deep lines of despair, worry and anguish. Dark, hollow eyes where once gleamed hope and excitement. Thin lips unable to find the smile of the happy, old days. If only I could find the courage to reach over to the side table and remove the loaded gun. And then find the strength to pull back that hammer as the chamber rotates, clicking solidly into place...Raising it to my temple for the final squeeze that will erase the last shreds of my existence from this cold grave of a life wasted away."
And the podiatrist says, "Well, Moth, you're in pretty rough shape. You need to get some help. But why did you come to me? You need a psychiatrist!!"
And the moth says... "Because the light was on."
Message 56 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

 

Yorkshire Obituary

 

Following the death of his wife,

to whom he had been happily married for 50 years,

the  husband contacted the Yorkshire Post 

regarding an obituary.

When informed of the cost, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, โ€œHow Much? !!!โ€

 

He reluctantly produced his wallet. โ€œI want summat simpleโ€ he explained, โ€œmy Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wunt ave wanted owt swanky.โ€

โ€œPerhaps a small poemโ€, suggested the woman at the desk.

โ€œNayโ€, he said, โ€œshe wunt ave wanted anything la-di-da, just put;

โ€˜Gladys Braithwaite diedโ€™โ€.

 

โ€œYou need to say whenโ€, he was told by the receptionist.

โ€œDo I?  Well, put died 17th Jan 2016. That'll doโ€.

 

"It is usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departedโ€, she added.

The man considered for a moment. โ€œWell, put in, โ€˜Sadly missedโ€™. That'll doโ€, he said.

 

โ€œYou can have another four wordsโ€, the woman explained.

โ€œNo, noโ€, he cried, โ€œshe wouldn' ave wanted me to splash outโ€

 

โ€œThe words are included in the priceโ€, the woman informed him.

โ€œAre they? You mean I've paid for 'em?โ€.

โ€œYes, indeedโ€.

โ€œWell, if I've paid for 'em , I'm 'avin themโ€.

 

The   obituary was duly printed as follows:

 

Gladys Braithwaite died, 17th January 2016. Sadly missed. Also Tractor for sale.

Message 57 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

Fight Boredom
๏ฟผ๏ฟผ
๏ฟผ
๏ฟผ
๏ฟผ
Search
๏ฟผ
Funny
Bizarre
Amazing
Cute
Intriguing
Brain Food
About
Contact
Privacy
Advertise
CONTINUE TO:
11 of the nerdiest โ€” I mean, funniest โ€” jokes ever (as selected by professional nerds, of course)

๏ฟผ
11 of the nerdiest โ€” I mean, funniest โ€” jokes ever (as selected by professional nerds, of course)
BY DAVID DICKERSON / JAN 3, 2014

๏ฟผ
๏ฟผ
The Guardian recently asked scientists to tell their favorite geeky jokes. Here are some of the bestโ€ฆ
Statistics โ€“ A Double Blessing

A statistician gave birth to twins, but only had one of them baptized. She kept the other as a control.
(David Spiegelhalter, Professor of Statistics, University of Cambridge)
Chemistry โ€“ We Would Also Accept โ€œHey Hey Goodbyeโ€

Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium Batman!
(Tony Ryan, Professor of Physical Chemistry, University of Sheffield)
Biology โ€“ Oh, There You Are!

They just found the gene for shyness. They would have found it earlier, but it was hiding behind two other genes.
(Stuart Peirson, Senior Research Scientist, Nuffield Laboratory of Ophthalmology)
Fractals โ€“ Keep Asking, Youโ€™ll Get the Same Answer

What does the โ€˜Bโ€™ in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Benoit B Mandelbrot.
(Adam Rutherford, Science Writer and Broadcaster)
Calculus โ€“ At the Function Function

At a party for functions, x is at the bar looking despondent. The barman says, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go and integrate?โ€ To which x replies, โ€œIt wouldnโ€™t make any difference.โ€
(Jean-Paul Vincent, Head of Developmental Biology, National Institute for Medical Research)
Topology โ€“ Also, โ€œHow?โ€

Why did the chicken cross the Mรถbius strip? To get to the otherโ€ฆ eh? Hang onโ€ฆ
(David Colquhoun, Professor of Pharmacology, University College London)
Computer Science โ€“ A Basic Difference

There are 10 kinds of people in this world, those who understand binary, and those who donโ€™t.
(Max Little, Mathematician, Aston University)
Psychiatry โ€“ Rorschach, You Disgust Me

A psychoanalyst shows a patient an inkblot, and asks him what he sees. The patient says: โ€œA man and woman making love.โ€ The psychoanalyst shows him a second inkblot, and the patient says: โ€œThatโ€™s also a man and woman making love.โ€ The psychoanalyst says: โ€œYou are obsessed with sex.โ€ The patient says: โ€œWhat do you mean Iโ€™m obsessed? Youโ€™re the one with all the dirty pictures.โ€
(Richard Wiseman, Professor of Public Understanding of Psychology, University of Hertfordshire)
Subatomic Physics โ€“ Wait. Who Knows What Now?

Heisenberg and Schrรถdinger are out for a drive when they get stopped by the police. The policeman asks Heisenberg, โ€œSir, do you know how fast you were going?โ€ and Heisenberg says, โ€œNo, but I know where I am!โ€ Confused, the officer says, โ€œSir, you were doing 80 mph,โ€ and Heisenberg throws his hands in the air and huffs, โ€œGreat, now I donโ€™t know where I am anymore!โ€
The policeman thinks something is going on and orders the pair out of the car so that he can search it for contraband. He looks under the seats, in the glove compartment, in the back, and then walks around the car and opens the boot. He stares into it for a moment, turns to Schrรถdinger and says, โ€œSir, did you know thereโ€™s a dead cat in here?!โ€ Schrรถdinger rolls his eyes and snorts, โ€œYeah, we do now'
Message 58 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

Two Latvian look at cloud. One see potato. Other see impossible dream. Is same cloud."

Latvian Jokes,anti-jokes with an Eastern European twist. ๐Ÿ˜„
Message 59 of 114
Latest reply

Jokes

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELLING!

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,
 "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a shag before you go?"

She screamed, "NO! Bugger off you filthy old **bleep**!"

He shrugged and turned away saying,
 "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump..........

Message 60 of 114
Latest reply