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Kent Daily Bugle.

 

 
An elderly lady from Sevenoaks had just returned to her home from an evening of church services, when she was startled by an intruder.
 
She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled:

 

"Stop" !    "Acts 2:38" ! !  (Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus  Christ,  so that your sins may be forgiven.) 
  
 The burglar stopped in his tracks, open mouthed. The woman calmly called the police, explaining  what she had done.
 
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 

 

"Made my job easier", said the copper, "But why did you just stand there and not leg it" ? "All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you".

 

"Scripture" ? replied the burglar.  "She said she had an Axe and Two 38s"

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THESE ARE ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK'S LONDON OFFICE FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

 

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

 

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

 

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

 

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

 

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

 

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

 

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

 

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

 

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

 

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

 

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

 

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

 

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

 

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

 

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

 

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

 

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

 

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

 

19. "My fiancรฉe and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

 

20. "A child pulled faces at my wife on the plane, and she became very traumatised. You didn't mention there would be children present. My wife and I don't have children, and nor do we want any".

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Why did the chicken fall in the well?

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He didn't see that well.

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Q: Why did Adele cross the road?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A: To sing, "Hello from the other side!"

 

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Message 66 of 114
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why did the chicken cross the road?

 

 

 

to visit the gay guy

 

 

 

 

 

knock knock

 

 

         who's there?

 

 

the chicken

 

 

 

(no responsibility accepted....that's how it was told to me for some reason)

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A man finds a bottle and rubs it, out pops a genie and the man gets 3 wishes...

 

What would you like to wish for first?  Remember whatever you wish for, all the politicians in the world will get double.

 

     I'd like a million dollars.

 

*kapoof*  the man has a million.

 

Now every politician in the world has 2 million dollars.  What would you like to wish for now?

 

    I'd like a mercedes.

 

*kapoof*   a mercedes appears.

 

Now every politician in the world has 2 mercedes.  What would you like with your third wish?

 

 

 

    I've always wanted to donate a kidney.

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Farmer Brian was leaving the church with his new bride, in their horse and jinker.  Trotting along the horse stumbled.  "That's once", said the farmer.  A short distance down the track the horse stumbled again.  "That's twice."  Rounding a bend the horse stumbled a third time.

"That's three times."  The farmer reached under his seat and pulled out a shot gun and shot the poor horse dead.  His bride launched a tirade calling the farmer everything under the sun.

"That's once."

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I started a band called 999 Megabytes โ€” we havenโ€™t gotten a gig yet.

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