THE LOST TRIBES OF EBAY
A FOLK TALE
Long ago, in a galaxy far away there flourished the ancient kingdom of Ebay. The Kingdom consisted of several tribes, the most powerful of which were the Roundtablers, the Chinwaggers and the M2Mers. These tribes seldom mingled and were very different in their makeup.
The Chinwaggers were an unruly clan of happy-go-lucky anarchists; they had no structure or hierarchy, each member was a law unto him/herself and they spent a large part of their time pursuing their own personal vendettas against other individuals. They lived separately under their own private bridges, where they lay in ambush ready to pounce on unsuspecting wayfarers.
The roundtablers were more organised, but less cheerful in their warfare. They were divided into separate clans, each of which was usually at war with at least one other clan, and most of the clans had their own acknowledged elders. and heroes. As time went by two rival clans came to dominate this tribe - but more of them anon.
M2M was athe smallest of the three tribes - hardly more than an extended family - and the most harmonious. Its members lived happily together in their own little tree house, from which vantage point they looked down their noses at the surrounding tribes, and only occasionally ventured forth from their home to reassure themsleves that they were indeed superior to everyone else.
The whole Kingdom was the fiefdom of the Lords of Ebay, but since these exalted beings were more interested in the acquisition of wealth than the welfare of their subjects, they left the policing of the Kingdom to their army of minions, known as The Ebay Mods.
For many years this system worked suprisingly well, until, one day, on a sudden whim, the Lords Of Ebay decided to dispense with their minions and outsource the government of their Kingdom to private enterprise. The result was that instead of being governed by employees of their overlords, the tribes were now ruled by paid mercenaries. These mercenaries had no real rapport with their charges and no concept of how and why the tribal system worked. One of their first moves was to amalgamate the three tribes, confiscate their lands and force them all onto a reservation to be known as Community Spirit.
This forced assimilation - known as the Great Upheaval - caused much grief and consternation. The M2Mers decided they wanted no part of this new megatribe, called 'a plague on both your houses' and migrated en masse to the nearby kingdom of Facebook, The Roundtablers looked askance at the horde of Chinwagging anarchists and despaired for the future of their clan system, while the Chinwaggers gazed in bewilderment at the monstrous regiments of Roundtablers and wondered sadly which if any of the warring clans they were supposed to join.
For a while chaos reigned; everyone was suspicious of everyone else and many followed the lead of the M2Mers and legged it to more friendly climes. Gradually however things settled down and common sense prevailed. The Chinwaggers began to realise that it was sometimes useful to have allies to back you up in a fight and the Roundtablers realised that dragooning Chinwaggers was about as productive as herding cats and that they were best left to make up their own minds and choose their own allegencies. As the months went by, the dynamics of the kingdom subtly changed. the Chinwaggers became more co-operatively minded and the old, rigid, Roundtable clan system became more fluid and less adversorial.
As previously mentioned two rival clans had by now come to dominate the Roundtable tribe - the Stringers and The Trappers. Their feud went back into ancient history, but in the times following The Great Upheaval much of the fire went out of it. Some of the tribal elders had been banished, some had retired or emigrated and others had simply grown weary of the conflict. The incoming Chinwaggers had no idea what it had all been about anyway and little by little old animosities died away until, apart from the occasional skirmish, peace reigned in the Kingdom of Ebay.
This should have made the new police force very happy, as their job had become much easier, but alas there is always a serpent in Paradise. As they now had little to do but sit around twiddling their thumbs, it began to dawn on them that they were in fact becoming redundant and their livelihoods might even be in danger. Alarmed at this terrifying prospect they girded their loins and descended on the forum with such an officious show of force that a new wave of banishments swept across the boards.
The operation was horribly successful. When the dust cleared all that was left of Community Spirit was a handful of shell-shocked, almost-too-scared-to-post survivors and a few, wily individuls whose skill with words still allowed them to get up noses while never quite being reportable. Too late the paid mercenaries now realised they had moderated themselves into oblivion.
