Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[the*scarlet*pimpernel]

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her bathroom scales.

And then the fight started...

[the*scarlet*pimpernel]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat

alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

And then the fight started...

[wimjig1]

Brunette wanted to cross the river and sees Blonde on the other side.

Hey Blonde, how do i get to the other side?

Blonde looks up and down the river and calls back:

Like hellooo, you are on the other side.

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

An eskimo bought a new snowmobile, and joyfully rode it around the town, jumping ice floes, roaring past more sedate travelers.........suddenly it quit.  He pushed it back to the dealers, and a mechanic started checking it out.  After a few minutes he said to the eskimo, "Looks like you blew a seal"...........

The eskimo replied, "No, this is just frost on my mustache.........."

[goldenjet16]

Confession...


I went into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Inside I found a fully equipped
bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there's a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford
crystal glasses. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates

Then the priest comes in. I say to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to
confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replies: " Get out, you moron, you're on my side. "

[goldenjet16]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00.. on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....



"Clean my house."

[goldenjet16]

Wait for the phone to ring for the voice mail. This one is priceless

This is the actual answering-machine message for the Maroochydore High School
in Queensland, Australia Click here to hear the message

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0

Really like the way you sound when you talk.

[cmcoins2000]

---

@goldenjet16 wrote:
Wait for the phone to ring for the voice mail. This one is priceless

This is the actual answering-machine message for the Maroochydore High School
in Queensland, Australia Click here to hear the message

http://www.youtube.com/embed/Pwghabw4N80?rel=0

Really like the way you sound when you talk.

---

As Said.

PRICELESS.

[goldenjet16]

DOG FOR SALE


A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.


The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a Bull $hitter He's never been out of the yard'

[goldenjet16]

Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice "There is something I must confess".

Shhhh, said the wife, there is nothing to confess.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. "Everything is all
right she whispers.

No!!! the husband replied, I must die in peace...I had
sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your
best friend's mum!

I know, she whispered, That's why I poisoned you. Now
close your eyes....