Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[myoclon1cjerk]

A racist, misogynist and a bigot enters a bar.
The bartender says...
 
 
 
 
"What can I get for you Mr Abbott?"

[village_person]

This one is slightly risque so the mods might step in but here goes.....

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan."
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My **bleep** is now the size of a 50-cent piece
When it used to be the size of a 5 cent piece."
Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman !
You live in an 8 bedroom mansion !
You drive a $250,000 Ferrari !
You get $2,000 a week allowance !
You take 6 vacations a year and
You want to throw all that away...

Over 45 cents !!!!?"

[village_person]

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent
to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his
replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber
sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must
meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the
strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to
meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked
specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet
tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and
won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.
I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal
in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history
of....."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can
find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor
to bleep off."

[goldenjet16]

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion. Dad, she’s pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don’t worry Dad. I’m 16 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I’m sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Your Son Johnny

Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Andy’s house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a report card that’s in my center desk drawer. I love you and let me know when it’s safe to come home.

[kathys.clown14]

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over.

Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

[village_person]

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons,

and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first schooner.

Got him a VB ...... he didn't like it - I had it.

Then I got him Tooheys New, he didn't like it so I had it.

It was the same with Old and Cider.

By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the pram.

[icyfroth]

So British

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?" The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The Taliban shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that, and that I am a much better human being than you. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeant's Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Cursing him, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped: "They won't let me in without a f***ing tie !

[icyfroth]

MALE v FEMALE AT THE ATM

A new sign in the bank reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM
machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
vehicles

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender'

*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the ATM.

2. Lower car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window..

7. Drive off..

************************* ******

FEMALE PROCEDURE:




1. Drive up to ATM machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate
card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7 Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
inside back page.

11. Enter PIN ...

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to ATM machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot
provided.

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you..

24. Re-start stalled engine and drive off.

25. Re-dial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres.

27. Release hand brake......

[icyfroth]

Quit trashing Obama’s accomplishments. He has done more than any other President before him. Here is a list of his impressive accomplishments:

· First President to be photographed smoking a joint.

· First President to apply for college aid as a foreign student, then deny he was a foreigner.

· First President to have a social security number from a state he has never lived in.

· First President to preside over a cut to the credit-rating of the United States.

· First President to violate the War Powers Act.

· First President to be held in contempt of court for illegally obstructing oil drilling in the Gulf of Mexico.

· First President to require all Americans to purchase a product from a third party.

· First President to spend a trillion dollars on “shovel-ready” jobs when there was no such thing as “shovel-ready” jobs.

· First President to abrogate bankruptcy law to turn over control of companies to his union supporters.

· First President to by-pass Congress and implement the Dream Act through executive fiat.

· First President to order a secret amnesty program that stopped the deportation of illegal immigrants across the U.S., including those with criminal convictions.

· First President to demand a company hand-over $20 billion to one of his political appointees.

· First President to tell a CEO of a major corporation (Chrysler) to resign.

· First President to terminate America ’s ability to put a man in space.

· First President to cancel the National Day of Prayer and to say that America is no longer a Christian nation.

· First President to have a law signed by an auto-pen without being present.

· First President to arbitrarily declare an existing law unconstitutional and refuse to enforce it.

· First President to threaten insurance companies if they publicly spoke out on the reasons for their rate increases.

· First President to tell a major manufacturing company in which state it is allowed to locate a factory.

· First President to file lawsuits against the states he swore an oath to protect (AZ, WI, OH, IN).

· First President to withdraw an existing coal permit that had been properly issued years ago.

· First President to actively try to bankrupt an American industry (coal).

· First President to fire an inspector general of AmeriCorps for catching one of his friends in a corruption case.

· First President to appoint 45 czars to replace elected officials in his office.

· First President to surround himself with radical left wing anarchists.

· First President to golf more than 150 separate times in his five years in office.

· First President to hide his birth, medical, educational and travel records.

· First President to win a Nobel Peace Prize for doing NOTHING to earn it.

· First President to go on multiple “global apology tours” and concurrent “insult our friends” tours.

· First President to go on over 17 lavish vacations, in addition to date nights and Wednesday evening White House parties for his friends paid for by the taxpayers.

· First President to have personal servants (taxpayer funded) for his wife.

· First President to keep a dog trainer on retainer for $102,000 a year at taxpayer expense.

· First President to fly in a personal trainer from Chicago at least once a week at taxpayer expense.

· First President to repeat the Quran and tell us the early morning call of the Azan (Islamic call to worship) is the most beautiful sound on earth.

· First President to side with a foreign nation over one of the American 50 states (Mexico vs Arizona).

· First President to tell the military men and women that they should pay for their own private insurance because they “volunteered to go to war and knew the consequences.”

· Then he was the First President to tell the members of the military that THEY were UNPATRIOTIC for balking at the last suggestion.

It’s hard to comprehend all this guy has gotten away with. Any other president would have been impeached! What in God’s name is wrong with our government that they allow this guy carte blanch. It absolutely boggles the mind!

I feel much better now. I had been under the impression he hadn’t been doing ANYTHING!!

[wilk1149]

ATM machine. Now that's really funny