Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[village_person]

 The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

 Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s
 farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating”.

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
 “fascinate, not fascinating”.
 
 Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and
 I was fascinated”.

 The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use
the word fascinate”.

 Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
 been burned by Little Johnny before.

 She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word  “fascinate” so she called on him. Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
breasts are so big she can only fasten eight!”

 The teacher sat down and cried.

[icyfroth]

Look again!

These are actually the backs of the barstools.

Shoulda gone to specsavers...

[lurker172602]

In real life I'd call that one out, and not come over as all grumpy and cudmundgly, but because (in my hands anyway) the written word is a blunt instrument, I'll let it ride.
I wouldn't patronise a place that thought those seats were in any way appropriate.

[icyfroth]

---

@lurker172602 wrote:
In real life I'd call that one out, and not come over as all grumpy and curmudgeonly, but because (in my hands anyway) the written word is a blunt instrument, I'll let it ride.
I wouldn't patronise a place that thought those seats were in any way appropriate.

---

'course you wouldn't.

Let it ride....mmmpppfffffhhhhahahaHAHAHA!

Oops sorry. Pun not intended I guess

[icyfroth]

The wide mouthed frog joke

A wide mouthed frog,

living by the river,
was constantly inquisitive,
abruptly interrogative, and
quickly pleased.
-
All day,
his friends and family would hear him saying,
“Look at that!”
“What are you?” and
“Wow! That’s great!”
All day.
-
And the time came for the frog
to leave the river and
to explore the great grassland plain nearby.
-
And the frog saw the stripiest thing he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.
-
A zebra looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
took kindly upon the frog, and said
-
“I am a zebra, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“gaze at the beautiful scenery, and
“chew upon the sweetest grasses.”
-
Then the zebra lowered her head to the frog, and added
“Knowing that if a lion should approach,
“I can run faster than he can, and that
“my stripes passing through the blades of grass will confuse him.”
-
“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who hopped away before the zebra could say anymore.
-
But afterwards, the frog wondered
what a lion was and
why the zebra had mentioned it.
-
And the frog saw the tallest thing he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.
-
A giraffe looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
took kindly upon the frog, and said
-
“I am a giraffe, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“gaze at the beautiful scenery, and
“chew upon the sweetest leaves from the tops of trees that no other animal can reach.”
-
Then the giraffe lowered her head to the frog, and added
“Knowing that if a lion should approach,
“I can swing the horns on the head, at the top of my long neck, and
“knock out any lion that dares to attack.”
-
“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who hopped away before the giraffe could say anymore.
-
But afterwards, the frog wondered
what a lion was and
why the giraffe had also mentioned it.
-
And the frog saw the hairiest mane and the biggest teeth on anything he’d ever seen.
“Look at that!” he exclaimed!
“What are you?” he asked, somewhat abruptly.
-
A lion looked up,
startled at the somewhat impersonal intrusion, and
then looked down, and
paid attention to the frog, and said
-
“I am a lion, and
“I am the luckiest animal alive,
“Cos all day, I loll around in the sunshine,
“enjoying the beautiful scenery,
“knowing that, I, am the king of the jungle!”
-
Then the lion lowered his head to the frog, and added
“And I eat wide mouthed frogs.”
-
“Wow! That’s great!” said the frog,
who then pursed his mouth and said
-
“You don’t see many of them around these days!”

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

The cheechako bellied up to the bar at the Red Dog Saloon, and addressed his fellow patrons........

"I'm sick of being picked on for being a cheechako...........how do I become a sourdough?"

"Well," one of them said, "First you have to drink a gallon of whiskey"..........

"Then you have to kill a Kodiak bear," another interjected...........

"Finally," a third opined, "you have to have sex with an Eskimo woman."

The cheechako, bought a gallon jug of rotgut, proceeded to down it in its entirety, then staggered through the batwing doors out into the howling snow storm.

Three days later, he returned, his clothes ripped and torn, claw marks down his chest and back, and one ear ripped off.  Once again he bellied up to the bar, and asked, "Now, where's that Eskimo woman you want me to kill?"

[icyfroth]

HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS

YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT
OLD?

WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!

MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA,WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED HOUGHTON SECONDARY SCHOOL .

'YES, YES I DID. I'M A HOUGHTON LAD! 'HE BEAMED  WITH PRIDE.

'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED

HE ANSWERED, IN 1965. WHY DO YOU ASK?

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED

THEN THE UGLY,
OLDBALD,
WRINKLED,
FAT **bleep**D,
GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT,**bleep**
ASKED..

'WHAT SUBJECT
DID YOU
TEACH?

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

[icyfroth]

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven.

Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from anoverload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T' '? The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?' The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his Billy boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

[myoclon1cjerk]

A gorilla walks into a bar and order a banana martini. The 
bartender thinks this is a little peculiar and then becomes aware he is 
actually dreaming. He wakes up from his dream and begins to tell his 
wife about the ridiculous dream he had. His wife just ignores him, the 
man rolls over and begins to sob because he realizes his marriage is a shambles.