Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[lind9650]

[goldenjet16]

Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

[goldenjet16]

A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a
bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live
without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his
most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man
in the room and will enable

him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of Scotch. It's Scotch that does all that $hit.

[icyfroth]

Hi GJ, great thread! Here's my contribution:

A SPAGHETTI LOVE STORY

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[this-one-time-at-bandcamp]

Mike, the bartender had just opened up, and  was surprised to see a gorgeous blonde return to his place of business, having helped her into a cab late the previous evening.

The blonde asked for a bloody mary, and confessed she had never had a night like last night. "I got home, and felt like death warmed over, spent half the night in the bathroom, heaving my guts out, and blowing chunks."

"Sounds like you had a bad night," Mike commiserated.

"Well, chunks, the dog, enjoyed it" she replied.

[jds_noise]

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@Anonymous wrote:
Had to do a quick edit to get the sex right!

---

I wish I could learn how to do that.....

[the*scarlet*pimpernel]

wish I could edit my hubby like that

[the*scarlet*pimpernel]

[kopenhagen5]

A woman is driving home from work in a rural part of a State in America when she sees an old Indian woman hitch hiking.

She pulls over deciding to give her a lift to her tribe.

The woman attempts conversation but is reponded with simple nods from this wise old Indian woman.

The Indian woman has been looking at the brown paper bag laying between the two and asks what it is.

"It is a bottle of red wine I got for my husband". responds the driver.

The Indian woman takes another look at it with her wise old eyes and says "Good trade".

[Anonymous]

owls this for a crack up...