Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[jds_noise]

How can you who the blind guys is at a noodist colony?

Spoiler

It's not hard.....

[kopenhagen5]

Well I must say wilk, that IS a very light post. 

[2106greencat]

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@goldenjet16 wrote:
Having now been retired for a while, I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally, I thought about the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

---

Golden

[icyfroth]

This was in my inbox this morning:

The Jew and the Chinese:

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is a Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and
an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude,
the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot,
leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese..'

'No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'Why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'

'No, no', the co-pilot protests,
'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'

'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.

'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.

'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain,
'It was an iceberg!'

Co-pilot replies, "Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg ,
> nomattah...all same ! ! !"

[village_person]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “ “I’’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips”.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,  ““Me, too, I didn’’t know we had a choice”.

[icyfroth]

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@village_person wrote:

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, “ “I’’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips”.”

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said,  ““Me, too, I didn’’t know we had a choice”.

---

The coveted five laughy-face award

[village_person]

75-year old Sam goes to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave Sam a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, Sam reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and Sam explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then both hands, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, still nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your next door neighbor?!"

The old man replied, "Yeah, but no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't get the damn top off the jar!"

[goldenjet16]

Question: What's an Australian kiss?

Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

[goldenjet16]

Thought I'd add this here too....

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford ....

"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 70-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,

"Wedding Cake."