Lighten the mood

[village_person]

Why not lighten the mood and add a bit of humour by posting jokes. I’d like to kick it off with one that I think is funny.

Two men were out on a shooting trip when an accident happened. One of the men made a frantic call to 000 telling the operator that an accident had happened and his hunting partner had been shot and he thought he was dead. “What should I do?” he asked the operator. The operator said the first thing he should do is confirm his hunting partner was dead. A short pause followed then a loud ‘bang’ was heard. The caller then said to the 000 operator “OK, he’s dead. What next?”

[kopenhagen5]

3 drunk guys enterd a taxi.

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again.

Then said, "We have reached your destination".

The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you".

The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did.

But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

[kopenhagen5]

While out cruising, the driver misjudged a curve and drove his cab into the wall dividing the houses of a Mr. and Mrs. Smith and a Mr. and Mrs. Ball.
Thankfully, he was pulled out by the Smiths.     

[village_person]

John Blake was on his deathbed. His nurse, wife, daughter and sons are with him in his last hours. John asked for two witnesses and a camcorder to be in place to record his last wishes. When that was done John started to dictate his last wishes: to my son Bernie I want you to take over the Mayfair houses. To my daughter Sybil please take over the apartments in the East End. To my son James I want you to take over the offices in the City centre. To Sarah my darling wife please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the local river.

The nurse and two witnesses were astounded. As John slipped away the nurse turned to Sarah and said: "your husband must have worked hard to have accumulated all that property."

Sarah replied: “Property!?.....the idiot had a paper run.”

[gkam2]

Two Nuns were walking through a park when a flasher jumped out in front of them and exposed himself, the first Nun had a stroke but the second one could'nt quite reach.

[village_person]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the Priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,  "Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis.  So I  hid her in my attic."

The Priest replied:  "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell  Father,  she started to repay me with sexual  favours.  This happened several times a week  and sometimes twice on  Sundays."

The Priest said,  "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,  you placed the two of you in great danger  but  two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness and the pleasures of the flesh.  However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.   I do have one more question."

"And what is that ?"   asked the Priest.  "Should I tell her that the war is over ?"

[village_person]

A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would be more comfortable in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

[village_person]

A mechanic noticed his co-worker drinking brake fluid at lunch.

"What are you doing, man? You can't drink that stuff!"

"Relax," replied his co-worker, "this stuff tastes pretty good, and I don't drink it all the time."

"Seriously," the mechanic exclaimed, "that brake fluid is poison!"

"Hey, man" yelled the co-worker, "back off! I can stop any time I want."

[village_person]

 
A bloke goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anaesthetic shot.

"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the bloke said.

So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, and he said, "I can't do the gas thing. Just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me!"

The dentist then asked the patient if he had any objections to taking a pill.

"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist gave him two little blue pills and he swallowed them. "What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.

"I'll be damned," said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
 
 "It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth out."

[village_person]

COLONOSCOPY

All the organs of the body were having a meeting trying to decide who was the one in charge.
 
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
 
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
 
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
 
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
 
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
 
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
 
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache The stomach was bloated, The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery, And the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
 
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work the a@# hole is usually in charge

[icyfroth]

A VERY UPSETTING STATISTIC
Statistics recently released from The United Nations reveal that: Australian, Canadian, UK and US men between 50 and 75 years of age, will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year.
This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no idea they were Japanese.