Tommys Joke Page

[tommy.irene]

Tommys Joke Page 2015

[tommy.irene]

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked and if he does, he must commit suicide. So on 26th January Australia day, at 10:00 A.M. Eastern Time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All patriotic men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to demonstrate their support for the women and to prove that they are not Muslim terrorist sympathizers. Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your patriotism. The Australian government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. P.S. If you don't share this, you're a terrorist-sympathizer

[tommy.irene]

A farmer drove to a neighbours farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant!!" The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[tommy.irene]

And so there was this cosmetic surgeon who was sitting in his consultation room chatting to his friend. In the middle of a conversation, a gorgeous female walked into the room and kissed the surgeon and said, “Thank you so much! You have done wonder to my body and look. I was an ugly duckling before that and now I looked like a princess.” When the gorgeous lady left the room, the surgeon’s friend asked, “Wow, who was that? You have certainly done a good job.” The surgeon replied, “Oh, that was my mum,” and they carried on with their conversation. A moment later, another lady walked into his room. This lady was even more gorgeous than the first one and she too came round and kissed the surgeon, “Thank you so much! You have really made me look 20 years younger. Those facelift and liposuction have certainly worked wonder to my look. How can I ever thank you!” As the lady left the room, his friend asked again, “Who was that? She sure looks like a supermodel. I am really impressed with your surgery skills now.” The surgeon replied, “Oh, that was just my wife.” They then carried on with their normal conversation. Then suddenly a third lady walked into the room. This lady has a perfect body and the look was so beautiful it was beyond this world. She was even more gorgeous than the first two ladies. She stormed towards the surgeon and gave him a big slap, yelling, “You **bleep**. Look at what you have done to my body! You have ruined my life!! I hope you will die in hell.” As the lady stormed away, the surgeon’s friend turned round to him with a puzzled look. The surgeon shook his head and responded, “Let’s not talk about it… that was my father.”

[tommy.irene]

Two Irish friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.
One day they caught 30 fish.
One guy said to his friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!

[tommy.irene]

'm 72 Except for brief period in the 50's when I was doing my National Service, I've worked hard since I was 17. Except for some some serious health challenges, I put in 50-hour weeks, and didn't call in sick in nearly 40 years. I made a reasonable salary, but I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I worked to get where I am. Given the economy, it looks as though retirement was a bad idea, and I'm tired. Very tired. I'm tired of being told that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being told the government will take the money I earned, by force if necessary, and give it to people too lazy to earn it. I'm tired of being told that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men killing their sisters, wives and daughters for their family "honour"; of Muslims rioting over some slight offense; of Muslims murdering Christian and Jews because they aren't "believers"; of Muslims burning schools for girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims to death for "adultery"; of Muslims mutilating the genitals of little girls; all in the name of Allah, because the Qur'an and Shari'a law tells them to. I'm tired of being told that out of "tolerance for other cultures" we must let Saudi Arabia and other Arab countries use our oil money to fund mosques and mandrassa Islamic schools to preach hate in Australia, New Zealand, UK, America and Canada, while no one from these countries are allowed to fund a church, synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia or any other Arab country to teach love and tolerance.. I'm tired of being told I must lower my living standard to fight global warming, which no one is allowed to debate. I'm tired of being told that drug addicts have a disease, and I must help support and treat them, and pay for the damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up their noses or stick a needle in their arm while they tried to fight it off? I'm tired of hearing wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians of all parties talking about innocent mistakes, stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we all know they think their only mistake was getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense of entitlement, rich or poor. I'm really tired of people who don't take responsibility for their lives and actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the government, or discrimination or big-whatever for their problems. I'm also tired and fed up with seeing young men and women in their teens and early 20's bedeck them selves in tattoos and face studs, thereby making themselves un-employable and claiming money from the Government. Yes, I'm damn tired. But I'm also glad to be 72.. Because, mostly, I'm not going to have to see the world these people are making. I'm just sorry for my grandchildren and their children. Thank God I'm on the way out and not on the way in. Im just in a moaning mood tonight.. TOMMY LOVES YOU ALL........

[tommy.irene]

A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night. Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence. He was out again the next morning. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?" The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"

[tommy.irene]

Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.' Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.' Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?' Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!' Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked, ' What happened with that dead donkey?' Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each and made a profit of £898' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won, so I gave him his £2 back...

[tommy.irene]

Pretty Miss Kinneen sat in the confessional. “Father,” she said, “I want to confess that I let my boyfriend kiss me.” -“Is that all you did?” asked the priest. -“Well, no. I let him put his hand on my leg, too.” -“And then what?” -“And then I let him pull down my panties.” -“And then?” -“Then he took off his shirt and pants.” -“And then? And then?” -“And then my mother walked into the room.” The priest sighed, “Oh, **bleep**!”

[tommy.irene]

Best diet yet!! A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm bloody starving."

[tommy.irene]

Behind every angry woman stands... Stands a clueless man... Who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong!